Damn you Chuck Bass, Damn you to hell
by TruC7
Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see.**

**Disclaimer: I definitely don't own anything. **

**A/N: Its been killing me- and so many I know- who wonder what on earth Blair's reaction will be when she finds out about Chuck. So I thought of giving this a shot. There's more to come. Hope you like it! **

….

"_Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to_ hell._"_

The words she had said laughingly, optimistically, definitely jokingly bounced back at her as she cried. She held a sparkling Erikson Beamon necklace to her chest and cried. A dress she had not worn since Victrola. A picture of his smile. And hers. His raffish, half smirk. Her courteous, cool beam. He was there. He was everywhere. She hated him. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. She loathed and despised him.

She was terrified for him.

She had cursed him with laughter, frustration and defeat in her voice, if all passions could run together. She had said it, she had never meant it.

Never this.

"_Blair. It…its bad news."_

_She had noticed the odd look in her friend's eyes and immediately the strange subtle ache in her heart magnified. And she knew. Somehow she knew._

"_What is it, S?"_

_Serena bit her lip looking torn. Looking downright scared of her best friend. "We can't go to Paris."_

"_Oh?" Always cool and collected, always Blair Waldorf. "Why not? Did Humphrey do an additional one-eighty and beg for you back?" _

"_Blair." Serena didn't even shoot her a vaguely disapproving frown in response. Her heart pounded. This was bad. "Blair…Chuck…" _

_What had he done now? What crazy stunt had he pulled to get her back? Had he rushed off to the roof of Victrola again? Had he gotten her plane hijacked? The pilots kidnapped? What? She'd thought she'd made herself clear. She'd thought he'd understood she desperately needed some time. That even if she did love him so much that it wasn't natural, that it wasn't healthy- she could not simply jump into his arms after _that_. Did not he see that? Did not he realize that what he had done was unpardonable? Could he not just let her be? _

"_Chuck what?" Blair asked evenly._

_Serena looked sickeningly pale._

"_Chuck's been shot." _

_The wineglass she held slipped through her fingers and crashed down the floor._

…_.._

"_A gunshot," Blair repeated quietly as one of the maids hurried to wipe off the pieces._

_Serena looked shaky. "Some muggers in Madrid…they held a gun and asked him for cash…He…he resisted…"_

_Blair looked at her squarely. "He has more money than all of Manhattan. He would not have resisted."_

"_I don't know B- but he did something…" Serena bit her lip. "I mean, they shot him." _

"_Where?" Blair asked softly._

"_In…in the gut."_

"_When?" Blair queried._

"_About…half an hour ago. He lay for half an hour…in that alley…in a-" _

"_Puddle of his own blood," Blair finished faintly._

"_Blair, we have to go back." Serena looked around for her purse which she had dumped somewhere then gave her inattentive friend a strange look._

"_Blair!"_

_Blair looked at her almost blankly._

"_Blair, Chuck- Chuck's been shot!" Serena cried. "We have to go back."_

"_Go back?" Blair sounded monochrome. "Go…where?"_

_Serena gaped at her friend. "To the hospital, of course! He needs us right now. We're his only family!"_

_Blair was still looking at her colorlessly."We're going to Paris."_

"_Blair!" Serena burst out aghast. "B, I know what he did to you was bad but- but-Blair he's your- you love him-"_

"_Says who?" Blair asked a little irritably._

"_Damn it, B!" Serena shrieked in frustration. "Are we really going to do this now? He's my brother- he has tried so hard to be for a long time- _I_ have to go back."_

"_So go." Blair almost sounded indifferent._

"_You're going to regret this," Serena hissed. "Whatever Chuck has done- whoever he is- Chuck can't survive without you. Chuck can't survive _this_ without you. He can't. You have to come."_

_Blair simply looked the other way._

_That's when Serena realized what was going on. She placed an unexpectedly hard hand on Blair's chin and made her face turn around. She gazed into her friend's large, luminous brown eyes. They were void of emotion._

"_Blair," Serena said the words very carefully. "Wake up."_

_No response._

_Serena took a deep breathe and carried on, "Blair. Chuck could die."_

_Silence._

"_He's been lying in an alley and loosing blood for half an hour. It's very probable that he could die."_

_Something stirred in the dark pools of those eyes._

"_And B," Serena now looked enraged, "If my brother doesn't make it because you're too busy being dormant while he's waiting…for us…for you…then so help me Blair- I'll never forgive you."_

_Something that looked dangerously like a lost tear glimmered in Blair Waldorf's eyes but a moment later it was gone and it might have just been a trick of light._

"_Go, Serena," Blair whispered, detaching her friend's firm, beseeching hand from her face. "Go to him. He did for you."_

_Serena looked at her friend and felt her heart sink. This was not the face of vivacious, excited Blair of five minutes ago. This was the Blair as only Chuck recognized her; Blair broken and thorny and cracked in so many places that she was untouchable- this Blair had the face of stranger._

"_W-what about you?" Serena stammered._

_Blair gave a cold, undecipherable, unnatural smile. "I have a flight to catch." _

…

…_._

_Madrid_

Chuck Bass was not in a good mood.

First there had been the never ending agony of what he had lost. He could not forget Blair's beautiful, shocked face as she whispered, "You _didn't._" He could not help but imagine what might have happened if Humphrey (curse him to the deepest pit of hell) had shown up just a heartbeat later. He would have shown Blair the ring. He would have said it. Four words. Thirteen letters. If she would have seen…if she would have known… then maybe…maybe she would have stayed.

The mingled curiosity and defeat was so agonizing that Chuck did what he did best at a time of crisis. He ran.

Madrid seemed like a safe option. Monaco brought back ridiculous memories. Paris was out of question. Bangkok, too. So Madrid where hopefully no one would think to find him.

The week had started off particularly badly. No amount of alcohol could numb Chuck out of his pain. The very sight of a hooker now made him feel nauseous. It made his skin crawl- the very idea of touching someone again…after that look on Blair's face. The staff at his hotel treated him too nicely. He'd taken it to stumbling across the streets, getting as drunk as he could get. At least there, no one recognized him. No one offered ten hands as he fell. No one showered him with courtesy and respect he did not deserve.

The only thing that got him through was that little box. The one tucked so deeply into his coat's pocket. He had held it like a talisman every day of the week…hoping that what it held would one day bring Blair back. It was his only hope. Maybe….maybe if she saw it…

Blair loved him. He knew it. And maybe if she saw it, she wouldn't be able to help letting that love show on her face.

Of course then he had run into a couple of ham-fisted thugs. He could tell even from a drunken glimpse that they were hopelessly incompetent. He tried offering them money but they were too thick to get it. Hell, they didn't even know he was _Chuck Bass._ Not even when he told them.

Amateurs.

And then one of them dug his hand into Chuck's coat pocket.

Chuck's eyes darkened as all the intoxication wore off. He burst at them as they ripped his heart out from his coat and took it away. For the first time in a week he felt entirely shattered. They were taking it away…the last piece of Blair he was allowed to keep…

His voice rang furiously through the street as he demanded the box back. They could have anything, everything but he couldn't lose Blair. Somehow it was very important for her to know this….His business, his assets weren't the most vital possessions he held…she was.

The Empire had never meant more to him than her. The deal had been a stupid mistake he regretted bitterly. One foolish oversight, one inexcusable moment of taking her for granted….it was that choice that had led to all of this.

He tried to explain it to the inept muggers over their foreign babble. Between the choice of anything and everything, including his own life…he would always pick Blair.

"…_I would've done anything to help you. All you had to do was _ask."

"_I did what I had to-to win."_

_She shook her head looking horrified. "No…"_

"_I can't let my feelings cost me all that I've built."_

"_Even if it means losing me instead?"_

Why hadn't he held her as she had faced him with sheer hurt in her eyes and tears in her voice? Why didn't he tell her that without her he would perish?

"_All I ever did was love you," she whispered tearfully and her words devastated him to the core. But he was so angry…at himself for doing this to her…at her for loving him so much…at Jack for daring to ask such a thing…that he lashed out._

_But she had been right. The worst thing he had ever done, the darkest thought he had ever had…had revolved around Blair. When she had told him those words the day his father had died, she may not have realized it but it but what she had said saved him…made him feel safe…hopeful…encouraged…that maybe despite all he was there was someone who could love him like that. Just the fact that Blair loved him the way he loved her had brought him back home even as he escaped._

_And he had turned that beautiful declaration into a horrible excuse for what he had done._

Chuck didn't care as he made to snatch the box back, he didn't care as he felt the sound of the gunshot fire into the air, he only knew he had to tell her…let her know somehow that he hadn't meant it…that he was a heartless coward and he knew it…that he was so…so… very sorry.

Nothing but that sensation of a thousand knives of acid ripping through his gut could have caused him to waver. Nothing but that colossal blast that thrust him back and made him jerk into the air could have made him falter. For a moment he felt nothing. For a moment the pain that no amount boozing could numb was in fact- numbed. For a moment Chuck Bass found himself thinking that seeing gunfire on an Audrey Hepburn movie was one thing- experiencing it was quite another.

And it hurt. Not nearly as much losing her had hurt…but eerily close. He fell back into a graceful arch and quietly crumbled onto the floor. He felt the blood seep out of system and found himself too anesthetized to grasp the situation…to even murmur in pain.

He lay there shocked and silent and somewhere within him, just very, very sad. A whisper in his head informed him that he was dying. With a calculating mind he considered this information.

And that was when he found that he just did not care.

Chuck was too tired to give a damn. Too tired to fight.

But never…never too tired to fight for her.

It was the thought of Blair that aroused him, the idea of never seeing her again, the idea of dying without telling her just one last time…the words he had taken too long to tell.

What he should have said the night he had wronged her so terribly…when she had fittingly slapped him and walked away in tears.

_Don't go. I love you, Blair._

The box was gone but it was the image of Blair that made him battle the casualty.

He thought of her as he made himself do it…he thought of her as he fought for his life.

"Help…" Chuck Bass whispered; his voice cracked and soundless in the night


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see.**

**Disclaimer: As much as I might wish otherwise, I don't own anything. **

**A/N: The show's been driving me crazy cuz who wants CB apart? But it's the writing that I enjoy. I hope you enjoy too! **

_Love is not a Because, it is a No Matter What. -J.P_

-…..

Despite what most popular sources stated, Blair Waldorf was not cold by nature.

True, she had to act it sometimes. When the cronies of Constance had eyed her as their queen, she _had_ to appear as an evil, scheming narcissist. When Serena had come back home six months delayed, disloyal and fickle, Blair had _had_ to treat her accordingly.

There were rules to follow. She simply made it a point to follow all rules.

So, when Chuck Bass looked at her with wild, voracious, franticly imploring eyes the last time she had seen him… Blair _had_ to pretend as though she couldn't feel every scrap of his pain in every fiber of her being.

Blair Waldorf was passionate, committed and tireless by nature. Fiercely loyal a friend, madly loving a girlfriend.

But she was also true to her word.

And she had told him that there was nothing left.

Which was why no one saw her shed single tear as she marched through airport security. No one saw her hand so much as tremble as she handed in her ticket. No one saw her footsteps waver as she lithely ascended into her aircraft. And no one saw her so much as twitch as the plane rushed over the airstrip and winged away, leaving Manhattan far below and behind.

…..

Silent tears ran down Serena Van Der Woodsen's face as she watched her sometimes brother, ancient friend, occasional nemesis from the small glass pane.

Chuck Bass lay inside unconscious and as pale as sheet, looking somehow defiant even when facing death.

Serena had not expected it look so bad. She'd thought Nate had been exaggerating on the phone. It had taken the sight of Chuck's wounds being cleaned to make her cry before she realized what she was doing.

Blair and Serena had been best friends since birth. It had always been easy to love Nate, sweet and handsome as he was. And during all those years it had been just as effortless to hate Chuck Bass.

She did not usually think of him as her brother. After all she had always had Eric. Excluding those rare moments when Serena and Chuck had shared a heart-to heart, when he might have unexpectedly made her laugh... if she had not been exchanging insults with Chuck, she had studiously been ignoring him. It had taken a long time for her to take Chuck Bass seriously. To realize that underneath the façade of scrupulous charm and wicked humor was a teenage boy- aching for family to love and friends to lovingly exasperate.

It had taken a long time for any of them to see the _real_ Chuck Bass- the one buried beneath all the womanizing and underage boozing… The Chuck that was sometimes so alone…that it would take a small kingdom to fill that raw hollow.

Blair had been the one to seal that hole, the day Bart had died. She had told Chuck she loved him and mended his scarred heart …even as Chuck fled.

And now ironically, it was Blair who had run.

As she watched Chuck lie there, still and unresponsive, all the years came back to Serena. All the fights, the apologies, the parties, the escapades, the laughter, the love and the loss.

She cried as Nate held her.

Chuck…Nate…Blair…Serena…they were family. A highly dysfunctional, disoriented, devoted family. With Chuck being a permanent member of their non-judging breakfast club there had been no room to judge.

Without Chuck their stubborn little Breakfast Club did not exist.

It scared her to think of how much she had taken for granted.

It struck her through her sobs suddenly, that Chuck actually might not make it.

And right then Serena realized something she truly hadn't before.

She would miss him.

…

Nate Archibald did not know how or why but the world was going crazy.

His best friend was lying in a wing as though dead, Blair had shockingly decided not to show up and his ex girlfriend was sobbing onto his shoulder.

He looked over Serena's shaking form to the view visible through the pane. Nurses and doctors scurrying around Chuck, shouting over each other, while he lay there…so still.

In all his tranquil silence, their childhood friend was unrecognizable.

Nate closed his eyes and looked away. The world was going crazy, he explained to himself.

Two hours ago he and Serena were broken up. He had almost started to despise her attitude and had sworn to avoid her like plague all summer.

But something had happened when he had seen Serena cry. Unthinkingly he had reached out to comfort her. Before he knew it, she was in his arms as though she had never left.

Two hours ago Nate would have betted a kidney that Blair Waldorf loved Chuck Bass more than anything in the known universe.

And now Serena had cried out that Blair had basically refused to miss her flight.

Two hours ago Nate had been buried into a couple of Chuck's whores and his best friend had been the furthest thing from his mind.

And then his cell had buzzed.

"_Nathaniel Archibald?"_

It had taken phenomenal strength to tear himself away.

"_Ouch-not there-stop-hey! Give me back my phone!"_

_He should have known. He should have known right then something was wrong. Who in the world called him Nathaniel? Who?_

_Only one person he knew of. _

"_Nathaniel Archibald?" the voice was now slightly impatient. _

"_Yes?"_

"_Sir, I'm afraid there's been an accident," the voice was almost bored._

_Nate jerked out of the reach of one of the giggling skanks as she tried to bite his ear._

"_Mr. Bass has been injured."_

"Who?" _Nate asked laughingly, dodging the girl._

"_Charles Bass has been shot, Mr. Archibald."_

_The words wrenched Nate out of every reverie. He felt a brick fall into his gut and he stared into the receiver._

"_He's in the St. Catherine Hospital, Madrid. Yours was the last number on his caller ID."_

_Silence. Nate had turned a nasty eggshell white._

"_Mr. Archibald? Hello?"_

"_I'll be there on the next plane."_

…

The nurses rushed in.

"Blood pressure is low-"

"Handgun was used, relatively short distance, aggravated blow-"

"Metal jacket- bullet was a metal jacket-"

"Besides the kneecap the gut is the most painful area a guy can get shot in…"

"Scans out…missed liver…"

"That's fortunate."

"No exit wound…"

"Considerable fragmentation has occurred-"

"Missed the spleen…."

"Good thing too- or he would've bled to death in ten minutes-"

Serena clutched onto Nate's sleeve.

Nate felt the blood rush out of his face as they worked on Chuck.

_Blair,_ he thought desperately. _Where are you?_

……..

_A page out of Blair Waldorf's Journal._

_Dear Diary,_

_When Charles Bass came in my life he silently taught me that love is not a Because, it is a No Matter What. That we can't exist in this world, without leaving a piece of us behind. That Happiness is what you choose to remember. That life is about the moment…the fire…that love doesn't have to follow the rules. _

_But then he left me. And taught me something else. _

_Things don't get lost if they don't have value- you don't miss what you don't care about._

-BW


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right?**

**Disclaimer: I so wish they belonged to me.**

**A/N: So until now the reason Blair was so unresponsive was because she was still very much in shock. She was acting robotically. But…what happens when the shock finally wears off? With BW one can never be sure. Let me know what you think!**

**PS. Thanks to Wills for suggesting the awesome JP quotes that are just so beautiful.**

_You don't love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not._

_-J.P_

…_.._

Blair Waldorf was feeling very sick.

It was definitely the turbulence that was the problem. That and the countless smelly, whiny brats surrounding her. Blair _hated_ flying commercial. She had thought bringing Serena along would make the excursion worthwhile… only now…

She forced herself to focus upon breathing evenly.

"Mama, no!"

Blair sighed. Too many children. There were too many offspring's on this flight. Two little girls had just whizzed past her seat with runny noses and flying pigtails. Blair closed her eyes and attempted to relax.

"No! No, Mama!"

Her eyes sprang open. She glared at ceiling for a moment before swiveling her head and peering out from her seat.

That was when she saw it. And nearly suffered a heart attack.

….

"I want your best team on it. The very best."

The nurses smiled faintly. "Yes-well-"

"Who's your best surgeon?" Nate demanded.

"Dr. Holcombe," one of them said, "Chief of Surgery. But he's not in now-"

"Where is he?" Serena demanded.

The nurse shrugged. "On Vacation. He scrubbed out about an hour ago."

"Where can we find him?" Nate asked stridently.

The nurse looked a little afraid. "Uh…his home…I suppose…? But he's supposed to fly out tonight-"

Nate whipped out his cell. "Mike? This is Nate Archibald. Madrid, Dr. Holcomb- St. Catherine Hospital-"

Nate lowered the phone. "What did you say his first name was?"

The nurse took a step back. "James Holcomb- but-"

Nate whisked the cell back to his ear. "Dr. James Holcomb. Can you find him? Get him here? In ten? Thanks Mike."

The nurse glanced at Serena.

"What is going to happen?" she asked in a hushed voice.

Serena smiled tightly at her. "My brother is going to be just fine. That's all."

…

"No Mama!" the little boy scowled at his mother and whipped it back.

It was a scarf. Red, black, patchwork, polka-dotted, silk scarf. Chuck's signature scarf.

It was _identical_ to Chuck's signature scarf.

Blair remembered that day so clearly. He had slid it off his neck and wrapped it tenderly into its sachet.

"_It doesn't go with the whole entrepreneur look," he explained. "I can't flaunt a pretty-boy scarf in front of investors if I want them to take me seriously."_

"_Why not?" She pouted. "I like your dumb scarf. Its part of what defines who you are."_

_He smirked. "In that case I promise to wear it on occasion…but just for you."_

_Blair giggled. "Well, well. Chuck Bass missing his scarf. Who thought the day would come. I thought you weren't Chuck Bass without it."_

_He snared a strong arm around her small waist. "The only thing I'm not Chuck Bass without," he growled in her ear. "Is you."_

….

"I don't understand," said Lily. _"Why_ aren't they operating him?"

"They don't have good enough doctors, Mom," Serena explained. "We're just waiting for the chief of surgery to arrive-"

"What are you talking about?" Eric asked. "Mom got the records checked. It's their best team."

"No," Nate corrected. "Not their _best._"

Lily was starting to look really worried. "What are you two up to? I've personally ensured that all doctors were first-rate. It's not sensible to delay this procedure any longer. We can't wait-"

"We don't have to anymore," Nate finished.

At the end of the hallway a thin squealing voice could be heard…

…

As Blair watched the little boy stuck out his tongue to his mother and snatched the scarf back.

"Honey, it's not even cold-"

"I don't care," he said, clinging onto the boldly patterned fabric around his neck. "I _want_ it."

A small boy. He could not have been older than four years old. His hair was disheveled, chestnut brown, his face insolent.

_He was wearing Chuck's scarf._

Blair suddenly recalled that Chuck had stopped wearing it because it didn't go with the whole businessman thing but ever since he'd inherited his billions everything Charles Bass related had become quite popular. Especially his trademark scarf. The J. Press original was now available at E-bay.

Unconsciously Blair found herself smiling at the sight of the sullen boy dodging out of the reach of his mother.

"I want juice-"

"No wait- you'll spill it-"

And he did.

As Blair watched the child accidently slobbered cherryade all over his front, darkening the scarf to a vivid crimson.

She did not know what happened but this incident was parallel to a volcanic eruption. The second it happened, the world seemed to have finished.

Someone was screaming. Someone was screaming at the top of their lungs.

Every passenger in the vicinity turned around to see. A nearby stewardess tripped and dropped a bottle of Champaign. The boy raised his head to look at Blair with frightened brown eyes before losing grip of the carton and spilling himself completely with scarlet liquid.

That was when Blair realized that the sound was coming from her. Everyone was staring at her.

Blair turned to look at the child again, who was now staring at her wide eyed.

"AAAAHHHHH!" she screamed, pointing a shaking finger at him.

…

Mike was striding in, his face annoyed as he half carried a tiny man into the Operation hallway.

"_What _is going on?" Lily asked, looking alarmed.

"It's nothing Mom," Eric patted her shoulder. "This is for Chuck."

Dr. Holcomb was screaming at the top of his lungs. "Put me down! _What are you doing?_ This is kidnapping!"

"Dr. Holcomb?" Nate shouted.

Serena frowned. "Nate! He's tiny!"

"Size is no guarantee of skill, Serena," Nate replied.

"Is that the doctor?" Lily gasped. "With Charles's _PI_?"

"How did they get past security?" Eric wondered.

"I think Dr. Holcombe just regained consciousness," Serena explained.

Eric blinked. "Ah."

Dr. Holcomb had spotted his nurse. "Julia, tell him to get me down!"

The nurse glanced at her doctor and instantly dropped all her files.

"Sir, you have to perform one last operation before you leave," Nate took a step forward as Mike slowly released the tiny fellow.

"What?" shrieked the doctor. "Are you insane? Have _you _called me here?"

"You have to treat him," Nate said. "We can't let anyone but the best do it. You're the best."

"Operate? I'm not operating on anyone! I'm on vacation-"

"The procedure starts in five minutes. You better hurry if you want to scrub in on his surgery."

"I told you I'm not-"

"You have to save him. Please."

The doctor scowled. "_He?_ Who is he?"

They all looked at each other exasperated. But it was Lily who spoke up.

She took five steps forward and glared at the surly doctor as though she wanted to smack him.

"He's Chuck Bass," Lily snapped. "Now get in and operate my son."

…

Can you hate someone for what they have done, but still love them for whom they had been?

-J.P

….

"N-no…" Blair cried, unsteadily getting out of her seat to stand in the middle of the aisle. "_No._"

"_Farewell….and adieu…to you…Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu…"_

_One thing about being on top of the world? It gives you a log, long way to fall._

_The bottle crashed sixteen floors down the building as Chuck watched._

"_Oops…" _

"NO."

_Jack Bass actually looked worried._

"_Chuck your father wouldn't have wanted this."_

"_Dear old dad?" Chuck gave him a shockingly tremulous look. "Unfortunately all I know is what he didn't want…which is me."_

_Blair had tears in her eyes as she watched him._

"_I'M CHUCK BASS…." He let out a bitter laugh and said with quiet sorrow that pained her insides. "No one cares."_

"_I do," she insisted, inserting as much force as she could in her shaking voice. He slowly turned around to look at her._

"_Don't you understand? I'll always be here," she promised her voice strong with conviction. "I don't want you going anywhere….I couldn't bear it."_

_He blinked._

"_So whatever you want to do to yourself…please don't do that to me."_

_And for the first time in months he looked at her, really looked at her and she could see her Chuck at last._

_She held out a small, shaky hand. "Please," she pleaded._

_He swallowed hers with his large one and her grip was tighter than a vice, strong with all the strength her petite form possessed. He looked at her brokenly as he stumbled into her arms and suddenly, without any warning buried his face into her sweet smelling shoulder._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_It's okay," she soothed, smoothing his tousled hair. "It's okay."_

_She swore to herself that night that no matter how hard he pushed her she would always be there for him. No matter what._

"NO!" Blair screamed, pushing away the stewardess that tried to placate her. "_NO!_ Get away from me!"

"_I don't have a real mother, Blair….I never will."_

_She looked at him for a moment before saying firmly, "That doesn't mean you're alone."_

"_I love you Chuck," his eyes flickered towards her. "And I'll always be your family." _

_She reached out to kiss him on his unexpectedly soft cheek and promised herself that she would always keep her word._

"Stop," she screamed, "Stop!"

This was why she hated flying commercial.

The airhostess stared at her.

"Bring this plane down," Blair Waldorf spat, fully speaking the truth, "bring this plane down or I'll have you executed."

"But-"

"_Bring it down!"_ Blair screeched.

"We can't bring it down, we've been in air for over thirty minutes-"

Blair whipped off a glove and slapped the flight attendant with it. "You do as I say!" she shrieked.

"But miss- are you ill in any way?"

No, not she. But _he_ was and oh lord how could she have burrowed so deep into herself not to have realized?

"I'm dying," she burst and there was such anguish in her voice that every one of them believed her. "Get me out of here!"

"_Excuse my confusion…I didn't expect to see you tonight…or ever again…" _

_She whipped out the peonies from behind her back._

_His whole face transformed into an expression of gentleness. "You went."_

"Miss-" the stewardess lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Please let us-"

"_Don't touch me!"_

"But-"

"_Sorry I was so late."_

_He was smiling as though lost in an astounding bliss. "I…I waited."_

"_Dorota went into labor."_

_He let out a nervous, shaky laugh._

"_I wasn't going to show up. I was resolved not to. Every voice in my body tried to slow me. Every voice in my head into head screamed Don't."_

_He looked at her anxiously. "But?"_

"_But I didn't listen," she said watching his intent expression. "I followed me heart because…" she placed a small hand to his cheek, "I love you…"_

_And the softest smile of utter relief lit his face as he snatched her hand and kissed it._

"_I can't deny that our path has been complicated but in the end love makes everything simple."_

_Chuck's face became serious as he reached to kiss her as though he could not wait a moment longer. His arms fastened around her and hers locked around his neck and she felt safer than she had in weeks. _

"It's alright honey," the stewardess had dared to touch Blair again. "It's alright. We'll get you down."

She glanced at the bloody J. Press scarf and burst into tears.

"_He's been lying in an alley and loosing blood for half an hour. It's very probable that he could die."_

"It's alright," the kind stewardess repeated. "Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Ssh, now."

"I can't die," she cried, and the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. "I can't."

And self-righteous Blair Waldorf sank to the floor, her whole body shaking. "I can't…"

….

_A page from Blair Cornelia Waldorf's journal. (The night of Bart and Lily's wedding.)_

_Dear Diary_

_I'm lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent?_

_I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my hair has its own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I've got PMS. _

_Chuck will never be Nate. He will never be sweet, malleable and comprehensible. He will never be Prince Charming. Lestat the bloodsucker, maybe._

_But never perfect._

_And one day he will screw up and bring my world crashing down. One day I will curse myself for getting into this mess. One day it will become too much and I will flee._

_But I don't care._

_You don't love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they're not._

_-BW._


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right?**

**Disclaimer: I so wish they belonged to me.**

**A/N: So this was one of the harder chapters to write because it explores a hard time for B&C. It's definitely not easy to keep these two apart. Thanks to Wills for the J.P quotes that explain Chuck and Blair's thoughts so well. Thanks to J.P for, well… just existing. Let me know what you think! **

….

_"Do you know what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home? What we had wasn't about sex, or about being with someone just to show off what you've got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together. Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person. I was lucky enough to have her all along."_

_-J.P_

…_.._

It was dark.

Chuck told himself there was nothing to be afraid of, because that was what his father had taught him.

_It was his earliest memory. He was three. He was bawling at the top of his lungs. Nothing the au pair did could soothe his pain. Bart Bass working in the next room couldn't take it anymore._

"_Damn it Charles, shut up!" he shouted, entering the playroom._

_And Chuck's howls diminished to soft whimpers and sniffles. His father had never entered his playroom before._

_Bart walked up to his son and looked down at him with hard eyes. Chuck stopped sniveling at once._

"_You are a Bass," his father said, his voice cold and clear and alarming, "Bass's do not show weakness."_

_And then surprisingly his father took the cream from the au pair to spread on Chuck's scraped knee. _

"_There," Bart said, without the slightest change in his voice. "Isn't that better?"_

_Chuck had given him a watery smile. But for the rest of his life he had not forgotten his first father's audible words to him. _

_Show no weakness…_

"_My father always thought I was weak. And in the moment that mattered most I was. I couldn't be there when he ... I left. Right away." _

_Chuck paused. This revelation thing took some getting used to._

"_I've been pushing… myself to prove him wrong," he was aghast at how unsteady his voice sounded, "And pushing you away."_

_She of course had known the precise, right words to say to him…the ones that pulled him from the obscurity to the luminosity. _

_How had she always known? _

"_I don't think you ran away because you couldn't handle death...I think it's because you couldn't handle feelings. You're not like that anymore. You're strong." There was suppressed pride in her voice that pacified him._

"_You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was." _

_Was he really that steady? He had wondered._

She had told him he was strong.

But he wasn't strong enough for this.

Whatever hell he was in…it was drowning him.

He wanted to open his eyes but he could not.

He tried to open them. He really tried.

But they would just…not open.

And Chuck was actually frightened. He could not open his eyes. He could not escape the shadows.

It was as though his eyelids were made of lead and he was too weak to lift them.

For a moment he felt such fear that he had never known before….

_Fight…_he told himself. _Prove her right…_

But it was a devastated deadness. Chuck felt abandoned. He felt alone. And right at the back of his mind, for reasons he couldn't quite remember, he was dreadfully depressed.

And here was the pinnacle of all he felt- a cruel hiss kept running through his mind reminding him that no one loved him…no one at all.

Honestly was this the moment to think of all of this?

But he couldn't help it. The thoughts made themselves heard.

He had always come second.

Second to his father's business.

Second son to Lily.

Probably fifty-second choice of a friend to Serena.

Always an afterthought of a best friend to Nathaniel.

And for a long, long time as a second preference for Blair.

Always second best….

He had walked through half of his life, scarping whatever piece of love and family he could borrow. Until his father had married Lily, he hadn't let anyone ever see it. But the temptation of playing 'house' with Serena and Eric had been too much to resist. So when they entered his life, Chuck deceived himself into believing he had an endearing little brother…a bubbly sister…and a caring mother.

And Lily had cared. Surprisingly enough, they had all actually cared. After a few drinks and doses of Georgina even Serena had come around. For the first time in his life, Chuck had had a real family.

For about five minutes until his father was compacted by a passing car and squashed to smithereens.

The day he had lost everything ended up becoming the day he found everything. At first he'd thought it was a cruel joke. But even when intoxicated to the zenith, Chuck could not drown her sincere words, could not deny that they had been real.

For the first time in his life, he had come first to someone…

For the first time, someone responded to his love.

For the first time, someone loved him at least as much as he loved them.

And by God, did he love her.

And in all the silence and isolation Chuck struggled to grasp on something…anything that made him feel less empty. Something that made him feel safe. For Chuck was scared of all the sinister darkness. Something that made him feel alive. For Chuck felt comatose in all his immobility. Something that made him feel loved.

For being as hated- as his despicable and vile self deserved- was his greatest terror.

She was there in the darkness. She was sunlight as he'd ever known it, the only true laughter in the world was hers, there was no story besides their story.

She was there, she was everywhere. He loved her. He would always love her. He venerated and adored her.

He was strong enough after all…

Except right then he recalled something that brought his world crashing down. He recalled what he had buried deep inside because it just hurt so much. He remembered.

Blair was gone.

His father was gone.

The ring was gone.

He was gone.

In the end we are all alone.

…-

Holcombe's fingers paused on Chuck's insides as the machines beeped and hissed.

The nurse let out a nervous sound. "Heart rate is in systole -"

"Get the crash cart, starting compression-"

"Blood pressure dropping-"

"Getting too low-"

"GCS of six-"

"We're losing him…"

…..-

_"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"  
—J.P_

…-

"I told you to get _this plane down!"_

Blair Waldorf was attacking the stewardess who could barely keep her still. "Please calm-"

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Blair shrieked. "What is _wrong_ with you incompetent fools? How hard is it to bring down a flight?"

"Very hard, considering there are no convenient airstrips around," snapped the flight attendant. "Miss, just hold still. We'll be dropping you off at Jersey City in a little over an hour-"

"I don't have an hour!" screamed Blair. "I don't have time!"

"What is wrong with you again?" asked the flight attendant paradoxically

Blair let out an ethereal scream and launched herself at him.

"Ma'am _please!_"

"Haven't seen one like this in years," muttered the one of the flight attendants to the co-pilot who had come to see what the commotion was.

"Haven't seen one like this ever," the co-pilot replied.

"Fly back to New York-"

"We can't-"

Blair let out a snarl of frustration.

"What is she doing?"

"I think she's suffering from hysteria. She's been screaming for long enough-"

"She's scaring the passengers-"

"What is wrong with her?"

"Nothing physically- the physician did a check up…as much as she let him anyway-"

"Ma'am you should sit down," pleaded the flight attendant. "You don't look well-"

"I'm not!" screeched Blair. "That is the point!"

"Please drink some water…let us fetch you something stronger-"

"I don't-"

"Your face is white-"

"I'm- you just get this flight down-"

Her vision was beginning to blur…

"_Why aren't you in Europe?"_

"_I was…in Paris. But only to get your favorite macaroons from Pierre Herme."_

_She took the box from him and looked at him from behind dark blonde curls_

"_And Germany?"_

"_To pick up your favorite fall stockings. You know how I adore them."_

_A hopeful smile touched her lips then faded. "What are you doing here then?"_

_He shook his head once. "You were right. I was a coward running away again. But everywhere I went…you caught up with me." He smiled slightly but then her not meeting his eyes scared him. _

"_So I had to come back."_

_She couldn't help it. She was scared too._

"_I want to believe you…but I can't. You've hurt me too many times."_

_His fear was visible on his face. He met her gaze steadily as resolve overtook him. "You can believe me this time," he said firmly._

"_Oh." She stared at the packages in her hands before giving him an expectant smile. "That's it?" she asked coyly._

_He smirked at her before he said it. "I love you too."_

_Her face erupted with a beautiful combination of relief, jubilation and emotion. She reached out to kiss him impatiently and he could have died with happiness…_

_They pulled apart, looked at each other and laughed, purely euphoric._

"_Like can you say it twice?"_

_They laughed again before he reached out to eagerly kiss her once more._

"_No seriously- say it twice."_

_More laughter... _

"_I love you…I love you…that's three times…I love you…"_

Blair felt the world dance around her. Somewhere someone was singing. Her ears were whistling furiously. Her head ached suddenly and the pain…it was terrible. It overtook her senses, it stole her breath, and it made her feel utterly sick. So sick that she found herself thinking that if this was death then let death come…

"Miss Waldorf?"

They were shaking her urgently, gently.

"Miss? Are you alright? Can you here me? Miss?"

The entire cabin crew and aisle's passengers watched as anxiously Blair clutched her head.

_Oh, God. Make it end…Please make it end_

"Miss Waldorf? Can you focus on me-?"

_Somewhere something terrible has happened…_

"Miss?"

"Just get the damned flight down," she whispered.

And then she fainted.

…-

From the pages of Blair Waldorf's Journal:

(The night of Chuck's father's death, when Blair woke up to find Chuck gone, after they had fallen asleep together, after she had read his note.)

_Dear Diary, _

_I've never had a crisis with words before. _

_Speech carries us across the distance. We can spill out a heartache, utter a heartfelt. But how does one voice the echoing laughter of a past picture, define the pang of pouring rain, articulate the clandestine music of memories?_

_Words are like webs - we hope they'll envelope what we imply, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or nostalgia. _

_No words envelope this._

_Is it even possible… to miss someone so much?_

_How do you live without someone you love? How do you learn to love this way? _

_When did I?_

"_A million words would not bring him back,_

_I know because I tried,_

_Neither would a million tears,_

_I know because I cried_

_I can't survive the present, can't forget the post_

_So I tell myself_

_Beginnings are blurry_

_Endings are usually sad,_

_But it's the middle that counts the most."_

I miss you, Chuck.

-BW.

…..-

_From the Diary of Chuck Bass_

_(The night of Lily and Bart Bass's wedding)_

_DSD _

_(Dear Stupid Diary)_

_Blair doesn't see it. She doesn't realize that I…don't just crave her. I freaking need her._

_Shit. _

_I think I've fallen for her. _

_And as for Nathaniel's ridiculous bout of jealousy... I'd love to articulate a few choice words to him._

_"Do you know what it's like to love someone so much, that you can't see yourself without picturing her? Or what it's like to touch someone, and feel like you've come home?_

_What we had wasn't about sex, or about being with someone just to show off what you've got, the way it was for other kids our age. We were, well, meant to be together._

_Some people spend their whole lives looking for that one person. I was lucky enough to have her all along."_

_Trust me to realize that now._

_-CB._


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see.**

**Disclaimer: All rights belong to CW and lets hope they continue to do so, cuz there is no way we want GG cancelled.**

**A/N: Please don't kill me after reading this chapter. I can't promise anything but I can promise that there is more to come…and a happier kind of more. And thanks for all the great reviews- apart from my love for Chair; it's the motivation t****o**** keep going!**

…

_"Love [is] supposed to move mountains, to make the world go round, to be all you need, but it [falls] apart at the details. It [can't] save a single person." _

–_J.P_

…

Dr. Holcombe was panicking.

If he did not save this man, it would be a permanent black mark against his career. He would forever be remembered as the surgeon who had failed to save Charles Bass.

But the odds did _not_ look so good.

"He's Chuck Bass," Lily Van Der Woodsen had snapped like it was a declaration, a testimonial capable of moving mountains, conquering impediments, triumphing all battles.

That was a mother out there. She ached for him to save the boy she regarded as her son.

But it would take a miracle to get Charles Bass out of this.

Holcombe lifted the shockers.

"Don't fade on me," he whispered, before starting the final struggle. "Fight."

….

"Fight."

Chuck told himself, it had to be done, told himself to do it.

"_Fight."_

He had something very dear to stay for…

_Blair._

_But-_

…

_She found herself dialing a number she still knew by heart. _

"_Nate," she said and she was crying._

_He blinked and sat up. "Blair? God, is that you? Damn it, Blair where the _hell_ are you? Chuck's been-"_

"_Don't say it," she interrupted, squeezing her eyes shut to block out the pain. "Listen, Nate. Is he- is he-"_

"_He's not dead yet," Nate retorted harshly. "Blair, just tell me this. When are you planning to show up?"_

"_Show up?" she whispered tearfully._

"_Serena said you left for Paris," Nate said accusingly. "Is that true?"_

"_I…I did leave," Blair whispered unsteadily._

"_My God, Blair," Nate sounded disgusted. "You-"_

"_But then I came back," she inserted. "I- I couldn't go." _

_He was quiet for a second. Then he said. "Where are you? I'll get you picked up. I'll sent the jet-"_

_She recoiled from the idea. "Nate. I. I can't."_

"_You can't?" he sounded flabbergasted. "Why, Blair? Do you_ want_ him to die?"_

"_Of course not," she whispered crying quietly. "I just want to save myself."_

"_B-"_

"_What if…if something…happens," she asked brokenly. "I'd die, Nate. I'd….die."_

_He sounded serious. "Let me pick you up. Don't the last three years mean anything? Don't the last eighteen? He needs you Blair. He effing needs you."_

_But she had hung up. In her fist was the glittering necklace he had so soothingly placed around her neck._

"_How do you think _I _feel? I haven't slept…."_

"_I feel like there's something in my stomach….fluttering…"_

_She would never forget the expression in his dark eyes as he had said those words. As though a veil had slipped and she could finally see him clearly._

"_Do you…like me?"_

_And he had just looked at her for a moment…as though there was so much he wanted to tell but was too afraid and confused to say it._

_Then he had shaken his head and asked shiftily, "Define like."_

_And she could have laughed at his adorable, evasive expression._

_Laugh as hard as she was crying now. Blair blinked back to reality._

"_I'm not deserting you," she murmured to him… "I'm just saving myself." _

…..

"_Why_ can't she show up?" Serena burst out.

Nate Archibald was staring at the wall opposing him, purely shocked. "I don't know."

"She missed the flight?"

"She missed the flight." Nate confirmed.

"But she won't show up. She missed her flight but she can't fly here. Why? How does that even make sense?"

"It doesn't make any sense…" Nate murmured. "I think that's the point…"

Serena shook her head in confusion, flipping a golden lock out of her eyes. "Huh?"

"I've…I've never seen Blair like this," Nate said cautiously. "I mean…heard her like this. She's not acting like herself. She's acting…insane."

Serena frowned. "Blair was in shock back at New York. But she shock wore off. She didn't go to Paris. She _made_ the plane drop her back. What I don't understand is that- she_ knows_ what's going on now. She knows she might lose Chuck. She knows that will kill her. Then why…?"

"I think…" Nate glanced at the door of the operation ward. "You just said why."

….

_"When you care more if someone else lives than you do about yourself- is that what [love is]?"_

–_J.P  
_

….

The skies whizzed past her. Blair stared at the softly sunlit blue until she felt her headache possibly subside…

"Miss Waldorf?"

She stared silent, at the pretty, familiar woman smiling at her.

"Can I get you anything?"

Get me back home. Get me another chance. Get me some damned strength. So I can get to Chuck.

"Aspirin," Blair whispered, lifting her pounding head. "Bring me aspirin."

Lydia smiled and left and Blair pressed her manicured fingertips to her forehead, wanting to rip her scalp right off- if it got rid of the pain…

Why won't it stop hurting?

The pound was pushing her towards him even as she longed to run…

I feel so…afraid…

Her heart thudded in harmony with her head…

What is happening? Blair wondered despairingly

What?

…..

"I still don't get it."

"She's scared Serena," Nate explained as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Don't you remember what happened when you left without saying goodbye?"

Serena sighed. "I can imagine."

"No," Nate said irritably. "You can't. She was stone. I was the only one she let near and I know. She was untouchable, unrecognizable. Freakishly calm."

"And when the calm wore off…all hell broke lose." He paused. "When she didn't get into Yale…remember?"

"She started stealing. Laughing when she was breaking. Fighting off Chuck. Pretending nothing was wrong. She had us all fooled…until Chuck and I found her begging to get into Sarah Lawrence."

"That's who Blair is," Nate said. "She doesn't like to accept when things go wrong. She acts as though she's in some sort of movie which only she's watching. She was still pretending."

"And now?"

"Now," Nate sighed. "The idea of losing Chuck is so terrible that Blair can't face it. If she does lose him, she knows she'll never be able to recover. It going to take a lot of strength for her to face the truth."

"She loves him way too much," Serena murmured.

"So much that it scares _me_," replied Nate. "You'd think nothing they did would surprise us anymore. But you'd always be thinking wrong."

…..

…

"Miss Waldorf?"

Blair's head was held in her hands, her face between her knees.

Blair lifted a tear streaked face to stare at the young girl.

Lydia almost dropped the pills. She had never seen Blair Waldorf so uncollected. Never.

"Miss Waldorf!" she reached to rush towards the quivering nineteen year old girl. "Are you alright? You look- awful."

Lydia expected her to blow up at the criticism but Miss Waldorf merely whimpered in a shockingly small voice.

"I…have this…feeling…as though…something terrible….is happening...or will happen…and my head hurts."

Lydia bit her lip. "We heard about Mr. Bass getting shot. I'm sure he'll be just fine, Ms. Waldorf. You must keep faith."

Blair blinked back tears as she looked at the woman she would have never looked twice at before. "I just…feel as though…I'm too late…"

Lydia stared at her.

"I'm just…scared of what I'll find."

….

"No…way," Nate said into the cell. "Are you sure?"

"Shit," Nate looked at Serena.

"What? What happened?"

"The Bass jet. It's gone."

"Gone where?" shrieked Serena.

"It's been gone for some hours now." Nate said. "Which…means…"

"What?" Serena demanded.

To her surprise Nate was laughing. Laughing out of absolute relief.

"It means she's coming," Nate said, facing Serena with a radiant face. "She's on her way, Serena. She's coming."

…

_"The only way someone can leave you is if you let them."  
_

_-J.P_

….

Holcomb grabbed the shockers and placed them at Chuck's chest.

"One two three…"

Shock

Chuck's body sprang into the air.

You can't run.

One two three

Shock

You have to hear it this time.

SHOCK

Chuck Bass…I love you

He fell back against the table.

Shock

I love you so… much…

Shock

…It consumes me.

One two three

Shock

Chuck leaped into the air

I love you.

One two three…

Shock

And I know you love me too.

Shock

Tell me that you love me…

One two three…

Shock

And everything we've done…all the gossip and the lies…and the hurt

Shock

Will have been for something

Shock

Chuck's lifeless body took one final bound in the air

Tell me it was for something…

Silence.

…Why can't you tell me?

Holcombe lowered the shockers and sighed very deeply.

"Time of death…" he said quietly. "Eleven forty four…"

….

_From the pages of Blair Waldorf's Journal_

_(On the way to Madrid)_

_Dear Diary,_

_I just wonder._

_If you gave someone your heart._

_And they died._

_Did they take it with them?_

_Did you spend the rest of your life._

_With a hole inside your chest._

_That couldn't be filled?_

-BW


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell.**

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see.**

**Disclaimer: All rights belong to CW and lets hope they continue to do so, cuz there is no way we want GG cancelled.**

**A/N: When I first thought of writing this fanfic, this was the chapter that first played out in my mind. It was pretty much guilty for everything that came before and after. PS. In the last chapter, just to clear things up…Dr. Holcombe was NOT wrong. Chuck Bass was very much and still is, dead. **_**However**_**…well…you have to read on to understand!**

…_._

_"He smiles at me, and I am suddenly seventeen again - the year I realize that love doesn't follow the rules, the year I understood that nothing is worth having so much as something unattainable"_

_-J.P_

…_._

…_._

"_A million words would not bring you back,_

_I know because I tried,_

_Neither would a million tears,_

_I know because I cried_

_Can't survive the present, won't forget the post_

_Beginnings are blurry_

_Endings are usually sad,_

_But it's the middle that counts the most."_

_-Blair Waldorf_

….

"_I wanted to live", he said, "So I had to die."_

_-Chuck Bass_

….

Blair Waldorf's plane landed on the airstrip of Madrid.

Her phone, stuffed into the depths of her purse, switched to silent mode- did not disturb her.

But it mutely glowed in the deepness of her bag as Blair unknowingly ignored her twenty fifth phone call of the hour.

…

_"Let me tell you what you feel like when you know you are ready to die.  
You sleep a lot, and when you wake up the very first thought in your head is that you wish you could go back to bed.  
You go entire days without eating, because food is a commodity that keeps you here.  
You read the same page a hundred times.  
You rewind your life like a video and see the things that make you weep, things that make you pause, but nothing that makes you want to play it forward.  
You forget to comb your hair, to shower, to dress.  
And then one day, when you make the decision that you have enough energy left in you to do this one, last, monumental thing, there comes a peace. Suddenly you are counting moments as you haven't for months. Suddenly you have a secret that makes you smile, that makes people say you look wonderful, although you feel like a shell-brittle and capable of cracking into a thousand pieces."  
_

— _J.P on Suicide (Explaining Chuck's condition in Madrid before he got shot.)_

….

"_Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.__"_

_-Chuck Bass_

"One. More. Round."

"Mrs. Van Der Woodsen-"

"_One more round." _

"He's d-"

"Do it once more." Lily Bass was staring at Chuck's lifeless body as though about to pass out.

But when she met Holcombe's gaze it was fierce.

"_Do it once more!"_ she screamed.

Holcombe didn't waste another second.

"Okay team- one last try!"

And Chuck Bass was begged to arouse from his siesta again.

….

"He's _dead?" _Serena screamed.

"No-no- their not giving up yet- they say there may be a brain activity-" Eric said.

"He's DEAD?" Serena hollered and she started to collapse until Nate caught her.

"Serena," he whispered and when she met his gaze she found he was crying. "Chuck is not going to die."

Serena let out vociferous sob. "DEAD!"

"He won't," Nate said, and his voice broke and Serena, not being able to take it any longer, flung her arms around him. "He can't die."

…..

Tell me it was for something.

Shock

…Why can't you tell me?

Shock

He found her in the shadows

Shock

Say it.

He held her as tightly as he could. He held on for his dear life.

Say it and I'm yours.

Shock

I…I…

Shock

I love you, Blair.

Shock

I love you so much….

Silence

So much…

Holcombe dropped the shockers

… That it saves me

Every time

….

Dr. James Holcombe exited the operation room to face the three teenagers that launched themselves at him the second he appeared.

"Chuck-"

The doctor removed the mask and he was smiling.

"Oh, thank God," Serena crumpled against Nate, crying weakly. "Oh, thank God. This would have killed Blair."

"We managed to restore the heartbeat," Holcombe informed them cheerfully. "We also managed to remove the bullet. I know it seems hard to believe but your friend is actually very lucky. The bullet missed all vitals. We found it lodged in a fatty tissue."

Eric let out a very unsteady laugh.

"I'm never getting on his case to exercise more often again," Serena wept into Nate's shirt. "And he can drink all the scotch he likes."

"When will he come around?" Nate asked rubbing Serena's back.

"Could take hours- he's very weak and sedated. But when he regains consciences he should be alright." Holcombe paused. "It was nothing short of a miracle that Mr. Bass managed to make it today. I would say he has charmed luck- but his revival from death might have had something to do with the people who cared for him so much- that they refused to let him go."

"Thank you Dr. Holcombe," Nate reached forward to shake his hand. "And…er…we're sorry for abducting you."

Dr. Holcombe gave an airy laugh. "Oh, no problem, Mr. Archibald. All in a days work."

Serena peered through the glass pane to watch Lily sitting by Chuck's bed and holding his hand.

And she couldn't help thinking what Chuck had said the day Bart had died, so brokenly, so torturously that it had chilled everyone to the bone.

"Family? I don't have a _family." _

She smiled at the picture she saw before her, smiled at the miracle that had occurred, at the inaccuracy of his words.

"You do now," she whispered. "You always will."

….

Nate found a quiet corner and sat on the hospital floor.

There were no chairs and his legs no longer supported him.

Look, I care about three things Nathaniel

Money

The pleasures money brings me

And you.

Look I know for how long you and I have been friends alright?

No you DON'T know Chuck. From now on you stay away from me and you stay away from my life.

Nate-

Didn't you hear me? You STAY away from me Chuck.

Nate Archibald ran a hand through his hair and rubbed another against his wet eyes.

There are only three things I care about.

My family

A possible future with Serena

And every single one our friendships to survive

Which means you, Chuck

Always you too.

…..

_"Relationships always sounded so physically painful: you fell in love, you broke a heart, you lost your head. Was it any wonder that people came through the experience with battle scars?"_

_-J.P_

….

Nate's face was in his hands when he felt the softly hurrying footsteps on the linoleum floor. The scent of subtle Dior flooded in the hall, overwhelming the otherwise strong scent of disinfectant and medicine. It was such a familiar aroma that it made Nate's heart ache.

Until he realized what it meant and disbelievingly lifted his head.

Blair was coming and he had never seen her like this not even during the nastiest of their fights.

She looked beautiful even with her dark hair windswept, her mascara shockingly splotched, a chartreuse glove torn….but her nose was bright red, her cheeks flushed and her eyes brighter than he had ever seen them. In those very eyes, he saw a slightly crazed and dangerously tormented look. Her expression made him fear her far worse than he had when they were together. For ever in all her pain, her face was that of a predator. She looked…merciless.

As she neared him, he involuntarily took a step back.

When Nate saw her up close, however, his own heart responded with a pang. She was trembling and crying noiselessly and trying to speak to speak at the same time and she seemed terrified. She didn't even seem to realize that she was crying. The tears came and she didn't even seem to notice.

"Blair…" he said and she attacked him.

"Where is he?"

"He just had his operation. He's unconscious. Opposite ward."

She hesitated outside the door. She looked so exhausted. So drained. So scared…like the ancient Blair he remembered from their childhood.

"Is he…alright?"

"Yes Blair," Nate said softly, watching her gloved hands shake violently. "He's going to be fine."

…..

_"I close my eyes, thinking that there is nothing like an embrace after an absence, nothing like fitting my face into the curve of his shoulder and filling my lungs with the scent of him."_

—_J.P_

….

Blair Waldorf charged into the room like a cataclysmic typhoon, a famished tempest, a catastrophic hurricane.

She had fought to keep back tears the whole way.

When she had faced Nate her face had been as composed as she could manage it. The second she saw Chuck however Blair felt her whole world crashing down upon her.

He was there.

Chuck Bass, lying on the hospital bed, still and sleeping, looking preposterously out of place, with his chestnut brown hair darkened to raven black against his ashen skin.

With a shaking hand Blair touched his hair…they had become as dark as anthracite…they looked like hard, obsidian heartwood.

The second she her fingertips grazed against his skin, Blair burst into tears.

He looked so young and helpless laying there, his face whiter than the sheets.

So sad and confused- like a little boy.

In a swell of tenderness for him, she rushed to lay a swift, soft kiss on his cheek. The second she touched him, something in her splintered and she climbed on the bed besides him.

"Chuck." She cried softly into the burrow of his arm, her hand curling around his soft face. "Oh…._Chuck_…"

Even in his sleep Chuck Bass seemed so vulnerable, miserable…

"Chuck, wake up." Blair whispered. "Chuck, talk to me. I'm here now."

But his eyes remained closed alongside her palm against his face; he was as quiet as death.

_I should let him sleep. He's earned his rest._

So Blair settled for curving into the shape of him, careful not to disturb the tubes running through his system.

She tenderly laid her head against Chuck's shoulder and then let her hand trail patterns over his strong body until she found his heart.

Tough and beating.

Happy, she pressed closer into her boyfriend, relaxing into the embrace of him.

Blair's eyes slipped shut in her serenity.

Almost imperceptibly Chuck Bass's heart rate picked up on the monitor.

….

"So, did you tell her that a few hours ago he was legally dead?" Serena asked offhandedly as she and Nate covertly watched on the Chuck&Blair reunion from the glass pane.

"Are you nuts?" Nate retaliated, spying his two best friends as well. "I happen like my face just the way it is, thank you very much."

"She wouldn't have ripped your face," Serena said carelessly. "She would have killed you. Probably instantaneously. You wouldn't have felt a thing."

Nate rolled his eyes and Serena frowned into the room. "She had better not be tiring him too much. He's had a very rough time, you know."

"Oh I know," Nate grinned. "Has Serena Van der Woodsen switched sides from her best fried to the bad boy Bass?"

She and Nate walked away to give Blair and Chuck some solitude.

Serena flipped her blonde mane complacently "There are no sides. All there is- is us."

….

As she lay there, quiet and at peace for the first time in one week and fourteen hours, securely clinging to Chuck's side…

Blair Waldorf realized two things.

a) He was alright. He was actually aright.

And

b) She wasn't sure if she wanted him to wake up and find her here.

Like this.

Maybe he would be angry. Maybe she would be angry. She still wasn't sure how she felt. All Blair knew was that she was in dire need of Chuck, she was famished for the sensation of his hands strong and alive as they caressed her roguishly, the touch of his tongue, delicious and fulfilling against her lips.

But if he would wake up, the first thing, he'd _see_…he'd _feel_…was her.

And then he would remember. All those awful memories would come back to him, all at once.

That couldn't be good for him. Seeing her here really might make him worse.

Honestly, what had Serena and Nate been thinking anyway, calling her here?

She just might send him into regression.

It broke her heart even as she tried to do it.

"I can't stay," she whispered to herself. "I have to leave,"

Blair found that her body refused to move.

"He's better now," she argued, "I don't want him to know I was here."

She stood up and began to untangle herself from him.

But almost as though in retaliation, a shockingly frail, familiarly large hand trembled on hers… freezing Blair in place.

…

Chuck Bass was having a very odd dream.

In his dream Chuck saw several truisms. There was the darkness, it was overwhelming. Then there was the light, the incredible blaze of white illumination that he longed to go near. There was a long winding tunnel and right at its end, the brightness beckoned to him. But every time Chuck tried to go through the channel and make his to the white light, something stopped him.

_Go away. It's not your turn yet._

Over and over Chuck was made to turn back.

He was bored in the darkness and he craved the light. He was alone and angry and dejected. He argued with some hidden force for a while before giving up.

_Let me through._

_No._

_I want in._

_No._

_Let me go._

_What's your name?_

_I'm Chuck Bass._

_Precisely the problem._

It was all very infuriating.

And then, Chuck saw her. He was distracted, he was stunned. When he saw her, he magnetized towards her.

A seraph. A beautiful, brunette seraph.

Chuck saw her and suddenly he was begging for forgiveness. Why…he wasn't sure. He went after the teasing angel with the dark head and golden heart. He rushed to find her among the midst of fog and cloud, but she danced out of his reach every time.

She swiftly snuck up behind him.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear, her voice so angelic yet so seductive.

He whipped around to find her but she was gone.

And then her voice came to him, unseen and devastating

Her voice was breathless, a tearful whisper. "_Please_ wake up Chuck…"

_But if I wake up, he replied, I'll loose you._

_Where would I go without you? He asked sadly._

But she only cried unbearably into his snatch. Cried until Chuck felt his heart would break.

"No Chuck!" she wept and he frowned in his dream because he hated her crying, he hated himself for making her cry. "Wake up, Chuck! Wake up!"

"For me," she implored

He would do anything for her. Truly anything. But being _near_ her was so fulfilling. He could not bear the thought of letting her go, especially since he suspected he might never see her again.

_"Please,_ Chuck."

He looked at her, the laughing seraph, but she was no longer laughing, she was crying. He reached out to comfort her, but the closer he came, the further she ran.

"_I love you." He told her wretchedly._

"_Then come back to me."_

"_How?" he asked, gazing into her sorrel brown eyes, ash brown hair._

She looked so familiar.

She was silent but he heard a voice whispering his name nevertheless…

_She smiled at him. "Do you hear it?"_

_He frowned. "Hear what?"_

"_When you speak of someone you love, you say their name differently. Like it's the only name in the world."_

"_Like you'd burst from love and longing, just saying it." _

"_When you say somebody's name like that, it's only polite to respond."_

"_Blair…" Chuck reached out to touch the angel. _

And then suddenly he felt a movement, a motion. A moment ago he had felt full to the brim, satiated with vivacity.

When he felt her leave, he jerked out of his trance. He _felt_ her leaving him.

_No._

_Stay._

His hand's shook over the soft weight of hers.

Chuck Bass felt his eyes open.

…

He was blinded immediately by white light.

Crap. He had reached the end of the tunnel after all.

Crap. How could he have been so stupid?

Great. Just great.

I'm dead, Chuck Bass's thought because his whole body hurt like crazy. I'm dead.

Damn.

And then he shifted to see her sleeping face facing him.

She was ringlet around his sturdy body, curled around him like a charm. He woke up to find her asleep on his shoulder, her tear tracks marking his face.

It was the most joyous position Chuck Bass could have ever found himself waking up to.

"Blair…." He whispered, feeling her slender arms fastened around as tight as a girdle.

Her soft, sweet smelling hair forming a silken waterfall all over his shoulder. Her small head resting intimately on his bicep. Her little hand enclosed lovingly around a fold of the ridiculous fabric he was wearing. She clutched it as though a freezing creature clung to warmth, she held him as though she would on no account, by no means let him go.

For a moment, he was in shock.

And then Chuck felt his face soften into a very tired, eternally thankful, eccentrically euphoric smile. She was such a precious, sensational, breathtaking creature. He could never deserve something this exquisite.

….

_"I imagine the touch of someone who loves you so much, he cannot bear to watch you sleep; and so you wake up with his hand on your heart."_

— _J.P_

_….._

"Blair…" he said.

She froze in his hold.

"Blair…"

She panicked. She tried to shift out of his arms but they tightened around her, surprisingly strong and silently beseeching.

Blair hesitated. Then buried her face in his shoulder.

Chuck closed his eyes.

And let out an overjoyed breath.

She was here. She was here. Blair had come.

They were quiet for a long delicious moment relishing the miraculous gift of togetherness neither of them had expected. What passed between them can neither be explained in words nor language.

"I thought you weren't going to come," he whispered.

"Did you," she murmured. "Everyone else expected me to come running. _I_ expected me to come running."

"But I know you better," he replied quietly. "I know what it must have taken for you to arrive."

She sighed. "No one realized that," she whispered. "All of them- Serena-Nate they just expected me to…show up. Like it was that simple." Tears welled in her eyes. "But I couldn't. I couldn't."

"But you did," he said softly, frowning as she shakily wiped her eyes.

"I almost didn't," she replied, hiding her face in against his beating heart. "I nearly didn't have the strength."

"Blair," Chuck placed a slightly trembling hand on her head. "I…I know what I did emotionally destroyed you. I didn't even expect you to _look_ at me for ages. Much less… fly ten hours to make it to Madrid. A gunshot doesn't fix anything. If I would have expected it to, I'd have asked Mike to do the honors a while back."

She let out a shaky laugh but she wasn't exactly sure he was lying. "You know me so well."

"I thought I loved you enough to make you happy but every time I screw up. Your face that day…it was so unforgiving. I've started to think that I'm no good for you."

She sighed, burrowing further in to his embrace. "How well I know you aren't good for me."

He was quiet. "Then why are you here, Blair?"

Blair sighed and slowly dislodged herself from Chuck's grasp. He reluctantly let her go.

She whorled into the side of him and said, looking, deeply into his piercing, cognac-brown eyes.

"Chuck. I don't want you to be the best boyfriend, or a better person, comprehensible, saintly or even remotely perfect. I only want you to remain who you are. Because that's the person I fell in love with."

"But…what you did…that day. That was not the person I fell in love with. That wasn't you, Chuck. And then I thought…maybe it was. Maybe that was the real you. I didn't know how to love that."

"But the thing is…I couldn't stop. I don't think I can stop. That was when I got scared. Because I've started to love you too much for my own good. I nearly lost my mind, fighting with myself, fighting with a horde of airdrome crew, trying to come here. I love you too much, Chuck. It's not wise."

He looked at her cautiously. "But…you still do?"

And there was such uncertainty and anxiety in his voice, that she impulsively curved a hand against his cheek.

"I do love you. That can never change. We've been irreversibly bound Chuck. I can't help that."

He smiled at her weakly. "But you're still mad."

"It took everything I had in me to come here. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I…I didn't even realize I was so hurt to begin with."

Chuck looked white. "I'm sorry, Blair."

She sighed. "You say that like it's so simple."

"But it is," he winced as he tried to sit up and her hands fluttered helplessly over him. "Every second that I lay there in that alley it was my only thought. I played it over and over again in my mind until there was nothing else but…I'm so sorry Blair that…in all my dreams I only saw you. As I lay in there, I wanted to die. I wanted to die, but the memory of you loving me made me come back. Your love, it's the only thing capable of dragging me back home no matter how far behind I leave it."

"I saw it all, you know. The dark tunnel, a white light. I reached the end. But something made me turn back. Someone had decided that it wasn't my time to go yet. You were the deciding force Blair. Without you, I could never have made it."

She smiled at him before whispering. "About Jenny…"

He winced. "Don't say the name."

She went on. "I want to know… why you did it. Why her."

Chuck looked at Blair blankly. "Because she was around."

"No," Blair shook her head. "Whores are around. Your black book is around. If it would have been just about sex, you wouldn't have needed to search too far. But it was her you chose to do it with."

Her voice was very gentle, not at all critical. He looked into her eyes and all he saw was muted sadness. She wasn't yelling, merely giving him the chance to explain.

But not even Chuck knew why or when he had decided to screw up so royally.

"She doesn't mean anything-" he began but she cut him off.

"That's not what I asked. I asked why her, Chuck."

He sighed. "Blair. I don't know. May be because I'm sick and twisted and have a laughably chronic knack for wrecking up my life. I'm a mess. Okay? I can never know what I want from one minute to the next. But I know what I _need_," his arm came to circle around her waist. "_I need you_, Blair. I love you so much that saying it doesn't even cover it. You…you make my world sane."

She stared at him with soft brown eyes before starting to speak again. Without missing a beat, Chuck's mouth covered hers, mainly to shut her up.

"We still have so much to talk about," she whispered, as his hands came, mischievous and wonderfully recognizable.

Chuck looked at her with a raffish frown, looking startlingly like his typical, arrogant self.

"We can talk later," he growled, hauling her towards him.

Blair couldn't have resisted if she tried.

Never had Chuck and Blair been like this. Always in a rush, always in a fight, even when they made love they were wild, fierce, uncontrolled. When they kissed every kiss was vivacious violence, when they touched, every stroke was fire, explosive.

Today there had been tranquility in their togetherness as never before. They had lain there in each other's arms, simply savoring the hour. They had lain there just loving the hold of each other, loving the blessing that they were together.

For the first time, every touch was unhurried even as every exploration was liberated.

He kissed her cheek; let his lips outline her cheekbones, before moving down her tender throat, plunging into soft fullness of her dress.

He kissed each of her eyes and there was poetry in his movements as he lowered the silk of her dress. His hungry lips warmed her silken shoulder, lit fire into the smooth hollow between that and her neck, his arms strong yet gentle around her. Blair closed her eyes and let out a small noise, her lips parted.

Her hands trailed over his muscular shoulders, grazed over his defined stomach muscles before arching over his wound. Tears pricked her eyes and she buried herself into his shoulder, crying quietly.

It had been so long…

Chuck found her hand and removed it from the gash to place it against his face. His lips kissed away her tears and moved over her mouth, distractingly probing, until she responded.

It didn't take very long to make Blair respond; soon she had lost herself in the sensation of his scorching touch, the love of this new Chuck who was ever so considerate, relishing every second he had with her, cresting her excitement to the skies.

And then it was a snowstorm of exhilaration as his touch became fiercer, rougher, frantic. He kissed her the way only Chuck Bass could kiss Blair Waldorf- his kisses were somehow both hard volatility and soft adoration at the same time, a combination Blair enjoyed infinitely.

He devoured her and she devoured him and there was no happiness, no joy, no life parallel to this. There was no one in the world but them, there was nothing to live for but this, her hand, it fit his own.

….

_Meanwhile…_

"Excuse me Miss?"

The lady at the reception stared wide eyed at the two officers standing at the front desk.

"Is Mr. Bass situated in this hospital?"

She didn't even need to check the records. Every one had witnessed James Holcombe's blatant capture and rescue.

"Yes, indeed. Why?"

The officer pulled out a small box from inside a plastic bag.

"Miss, this was recovered from two Spanish muggers a few hours ago. It has Bass initials at the back of it. We investigated the site of Mr. Bass's accident. We believe it belongs to him."

One glance at the little cube was enough to make any woman understand.

The receptionist's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"Oh….My…_God."_

…

_From the Journal of Blair Waldorf_

_On the way to the Empire state building._

_Dear Diary,_

_If love has happened to you, you know what it feels like._

_But if you try to describe to someone else, idioms only take you so far. There is no way to edit that blank page._

_Not a soul on this planet can ever know what it has been like to love Chuck Bass._

_He saved when I was drowning. He hurt me when I was trying so hard to save him. In so many ways, he has brought my world crashing down._

_But I'm still going._

_Because I know now that love is not verdict, it is not a pact, and it is not necessarily a happy ending. _

_Love is the unplumbed root to all bonds, the ground that life rises from, the assurance that _anything _will continue to exist as long as there is someone around to remember it. It is the place you come back to, no matter where you are headed._

_Why do I love Chuck?_

_Because all he has to do- is __smile at me, and suddenly I am seventeen again - the year I realize that love doesn't follow the rules, the year I understood that nothing is worth having so much as something unattainable._

_How do you not love someone who does that to you?_

_I never stood a chance._

-BW


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to hell. **

**Summary: A very shocked Blair must deal with the news Serena just revealed to her. Chuck's been shot. Prior a very drunk Chuck fights for his girlfriend's ring…the one she never got to see. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger right?**

**Disclaimer: They don't belong to me…as much it hurts to say it.**

**A/N: This was by far the hardest chapter to write. I'm not really sure about this yet- but this might be the concluding one. There might be more but I'm not really sure about it yet. Thanks to everyone for all the great reviews and thanks to Wills for the awesome J.P quotes I would never have discovered otherwise. This is the longest chapter so far…and just might be the last! Let me know what you think!**

_"If you loved someone, really loved them, would you let them go?"  
- (__Mercy__)_

_**Notes to Blair, Chuck never sent**_

_**(In Bangkok, after fleeing his father's funeral.)**_

_**Blair,**_

_**It wasn't that I wasn't going to say it.**_

_**I had it all planned out.**_

_**You would say it. I would hear it. Some stupid butterflies would nonsensically flutter. As soon as I'd catch my breath- I'd kiss the life out of you. And as soon as you'd catch yours, I'd say it back; you would hear it and you would smile.**_

_**Blair.**_

_**I know I asked you to say it. I know that was wrong.**_

_**I made you tear away from your dreams, your ideals. You wanted Prince Charming. I made you settle for the Dark Knight.**_

_**It's not that I don't want to say it. **_

_**It's just-**_

_**I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm supposed to love you back**_

_**- CB**_

Blair smiled at his watchful face, uncurling herself out of the settee she had napped in.

"Good morning princess," he murmured. "How was your sleep?"

Blair rubbed her eyes, smiling tiredly. "It could have been better."

Chuck sighed. "I told you not to spend the night. Couches do not make cradles for wallflowers."

Blair rolled her eyes. "I didn't mean that, Bass. I meant…" she stood up and crossed the room to cuddle into his awaiting arms. "I meant this."

Chuck smirked, shifting to make her more comfortable. "You're making it very hard for me to make you go to our hotel. You're more fatigued than I am, Blair."

She sighed. "I'm fine…except for my head. Moreover, I don't really want to sleep anywhere else."

He looked at her questioningly.

Blair sighed. "For the past day…I've had this really bad headache. Exceptionally bad. It went away when I came here." She pressed deeper into his hold. "It goes away when I'm with you."

"Maybe you should get a check up," Chuck suggested seriously, smoothing back her hair.

Blair shook her head. "It's nothing. It was probably just out of dread. I'm so much better now." She reached out to fix his ruffled hair. "How are _you?_"

"I'm great," he replied, "Better then ever. It takes a gunshot to get a guy's perspective together. I'm never going to look at life the same way again. Sometime's…I really think I had it coming."

Blair glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

Chuck sighed. "I had everything I'd ever wanted. I was perfectly happy. More than that- I was at the top of the universe. I owned the world and I threw it away. Why?"

Blair shrugged. "Because you're an ass."

He laughed at the prompt way she said it and leaned down to kiss her. Within a minute, they were lost to the world.

_Sometimes I think that I wanted to live_, Chuck thought, feeling pure elation as he lost himself in Blair, _So I had to die._

….

_**Notes to Blair, Chuck never sent**_

_**(In his limo, the night of the debutante ball, knowing Blair was sleeping with Nate this very moment.) **_

_**Blair,**_

_**I didn't think it was possible to really hate someone until tonight.**_

_**If it were medieval times, I would have cleaved Nathaniel's throat and locked you up in one of those towers. I would have imprisoned you until you were willing to be mine. It sounds like an excellent idea, even now.**_

_**But I can't.**_

_**You looked so damn happy in that split second. You looked so beautiful and so happy.**_

_**This is your dream, right? This is what you've always wanted.**_

_**God, I hate you right now.**_

_**I hate your inflated attitude, your big doe eyes, your willowy curves, your wit which is parallel to mine. **_

_**I loathe Nathaniel. I loathe the knowledge of what I have to hide from him. I loathe the fact that he has, this very moment something that was once, only mine. Which is no longer only mine.**_

_**I hate that I don't hate him after all. I hate that I can't hate him at all because he's my best effing friend.**_

_**I hate that I couldn't stop you because I had no claim on you to begin with.**_

_**But you know what I hate the most?**_

_**The realization that even after all this time, after all those stolen kisses, that staggering chemistry- all I have ever been able to do…is make you lust me. Not care for me. Desire was the only hold I had on you.**_

_**I don't want it to be that way. **_

_**Mark my words. By the end of this life, I will make you mine.**_

_**I will make you care.**_

_**You know what they say. The love that lasts the longest is the love that wasn't returned.**_

_**-CB**_

…..

Chuck Bass was sleeping deeply when a deafening squall jerked him out of his slumber.

He opened a single eye to see what all the commotion was about.

"Chuck!" Serena squealed, rushing at him. For a moment Chuck was blinded with the view of thick blonde extensions.

And then-

"_Ouch_." Chuck blinked amid the awareness that Serena was hugging him as though trying to choke the life out of him. "Uh…Hi to you too."

"Oh, Chuck," Serena flashed him a gratified smile. "We were so worried!"

"Yes, S, I missed you also."

"How I've missed your witty banter," Serena cried, her eyes filling up.

Chuck frowned. "I wasn't bantering."

"I couldn't imagine not having you to make sleazy comments."

Chuck looked at her. "This feels all wrong."

Serena sighed contentedly, hugging Chuck firmer.

He looked at Nate. "Is she feeling alright?"

Nate simply clutched his shoulder. "Thank God, you're okay man."

Eric leaned over to greet Chuck over Serena.

"You scared the hell out of us," he accused.

Chuck raised an eyebrow, overwhelmed. "So much love. Are you all sure you haven't reached the wrong memorial service?"

Lily was close to tears. "Don't you dare say that!" she cried. "Memorial service, indeed. You're alright, Charles and we could have asked for nothing more. Please don't be inappropriate."

Eric grinned. "Well, at least that means Chuck's on the road to recovery."

"Recovery, my ass. I feel just great. Ahem. Where's Blair?"

Nate and Eric grinned at each other and Chuck frowned.

"Seriously. Where is she?"

"She just went to get some coffee, she should be back soon. She did after all spend the night here, after all." Nate said, with a bemused smile.

"The things we do for love," Eric muttered. "Including the implausible."

He looked at his sister who was flashing Chuck a fond smile.

"I'll go look for her. Tell her you're asking about her. You sure you're feeling alright?"

Chuck nodded slowly, watching Serena with a thoughtful expression.

When she actually reached out to ruffle his hair, he leaned back, horrified.

"Take care, bro."

And Serena skipped out the room, chirpy and elated.

Chuck turned to Nate, troubled. "Did she just call me what I think she did?"

Nate grinned. "I think she's trying to make up for the time you first called her your sister and she threatened to murder you…."

Chuck smirked. "Ah yes. Good times."

"She was seriously freaked out Chuck. She must have called you her brother more often today than she's insulted you for sixteen years. We were all freaked. When they shocked you-"

Chuck blinked. "They did that?"

"I'm just glad Blair missed that part," Nate muttered. "She would have beaten up the surgeons- the state she was in."

"She didn't witness it?" Chuck asked, immediately sitting up in bed. "She doesn't know about it?"

When Nate shook his head, he leaned back, relieved.

There was a scamper of footsteps.

"Blair's busy fixing her appearance- she'll be there in a bit. I got you coffee!"

"Is it me or has Serena been replaced by the pod people?" asked Chuck curiously.

Nate grinned. "I think you just got the sister you always wanted."

"Hmm," Chuck smiled sweetly at Serena as she danced in his room, with a steaming cup of Espresso, clearly splashed with a spot of Single Malt, exactly the way he liked it. "I could get used to this."

…

Jenny Humphrey lay sprawled on the Pottery Barn hodgepodge quilt, watching the beaded curtains dance against the window.

They made her windows seem like stained glass.

She was filing her nails furiously when the doorbell buzzed.

"Jenny! Can you get that?" her mother called.

Jenny rolled her heavily raccoon-done eyes and snapped the filer back in its place. Sighing crossly, she slithered off the bed and stomped to the door.

The pizza guy gave her a toothy smile. "Special delivery of one large pepperoni pie, with extra cheese, for a Miss Jenny Humphrey?"

She stared at him. "What? Do you want a hug? Hand over it over."

That wiped his smile right off. "That- that'll be-"

She handed him a twenty and flashed a saccharine smile. "Keep the change. Buy yourself some mouthwash with it. My treat."

He stared at her openmouthed as she slammed the door in his face.

Shaking her head, Jenny sauntered into the kitchen.

Her mother frowned at her. "Somebody's not in a good mood today."

Jenny tried to keep calm. "It's nothing, Mom. Let it go."

Truthfully not even she knew what was bothering her. But something sure was…and it seemed suspiciously like the recall of a spoilt teenage billionaire.

With the gentlest touch.

The most searing kiss.

The devil's smirk.

And such sad…sad cognac-brown eyes….

Something in Jenny ached to make his sadness go away. The thing was it wasn't her place to achieve that.

Her cell phone buzzed and she whipped it out automatically.

_Hey Upper East Siders,_

_You heard it here first. According to reliable sources, Manhattan's richest teenager may be no more. Oh Chuck, even _we_ didn't expect you to go this way. Drunk and mugged in an alley? Alone and abandoned in a far away land? Unloved and unnoticed as you bled to death?_

_On second thought, you were exactly expected to go this way. Say hello to Satan from us Bass. We expect his Spawn will be welcomed home with open arms._

_XOXO…_

_Gossip Girl_

She was a callous bitch.

Alison frowned at Jenny's pallid face.

"Everything alright?"

Jenny raised her face and for the first time, deeply ringed with black makeup, her crystal blue eyes were visibly scared.

"Mom," she said, "I want to back home."

…_**.**_

_**Notes to Blair Chuck never sent.**_

_**(When Blair was with Nate.)**_

_**Blair,**_

_**He was a blind fool because he couldn't see your mischievous little smile. He couldn't esteem your beautiful curvatures, your gorgeous eyes…they're sable in color…. Reminding me of the finest wine… **_

_**My love for you Blair was not blind. How could it have been?**_

_**For otherwise how it was that it made me see what others couldn't see?**_

_**My love for you wasn't blind, because it made me see you clearly for the first time.**_

_**It made me want you to see me.**_

_**It made me realize that the most painful emotion is to watch someone you love, blatantly love someone else.**_

_**-CB  
**_

….

…

"Apparently, according to Gossip Girl, Chuck is dead," Serena stated, scowling at her blackberry.

"Well, you gotta give her some credit," replied Nate. "Considering a few hours ago he was."

"Everyone's gonna freak," said Serena, sipping her double Mocha, dark. "Hmmm. I wonder if Jack Bass reads Gossip Girl. He might celebrate a victory party too soon."

Nate frowned. "My cell won't stop buzzing. It hasn't stopped buzzing since an hour."

"Probably because of a billion shocked souls wanting to know first hand if Chuck Bass is deceased or breathing," Serena sighed. "You know what? None of these people really give a damn about anything except the gossip. I'm not replying to any of these messages."

Nate tossed his cell aside. "Good idea. Let Gossip Girl be blatantly wrong for once- without us caring."

Jenny Humphrey frowned into the phone. "Nate," she thought unhappily. "Why won't you pick up?"

…..

_"I know you love me. The question is, how much?"_

_-J.P_

The officers approached Nate and Serena, looking inquisitive, accompanied by a frightened looking Nurse.

"Mr. Archibald?" Julia squeaked.

Nate blinked at the intimidating figures and the petite Nurse towering over him.

"Yes?" Nate asked, as he and Serena stood up simultaneously.

"Sir, an investigation occurred at the site Mr. Bass was shot. The attackers have been caught and we recovered something from them that we need Mr. Bass to identify."

Nate frowned while Serena hovered protectively over Chuck's room, "Mr. Bass is resting right now."

The younger officer sighed. "We came yesterday but left due to the same reason. We really need to speak to him now."

Nate stood tall. "Whatever you need Chuck to identify, I'm sure I can do it for him."

The officer's exchanged a look before one of them ejected a zip lock bag out of his overcoat.

"Sir this was just recovered from two Spanish muggers..."

Nate looked at the little box and his jaw dropped.

Serena clutched her heart and let out an unintelligible sound.

The officer added dryly, "That's not it."

With gloved hands he captured the little cube with two fingers and snapped it open.

A brilliant sparkle blinded them both.

Behind them came an otherworldly scream.

Nate and Serena whirled around.

Blair Waldorf was staring at the radiating halo, her eyes fixed on the officer's hands, crying "_OH MY GOD!_"

…_**.**_

_**(The night of graduation)**_

_**Blair,**_

_**You said you loved me.**_

_**Again.**_

_**I am not a coward. I know I'm not.**_

_**Then why is it that the idea of facing a hundred pound, bombastic, overemotional, Grace Kelly obsessed teenage girl is making me shit in my pants?**_

_**It's just…**_

_**People say those three words all the time.**_

_**We love our dog, our parents, the weather, chocolate chip ice-cream.**_

_**How can one word conveniently cover up a thousand sensations? **_

_**We say we love our childhood but we outgrow it, we say we love nature but we corrupt it, we say we love our pets but we put them to sleep, we say we love flowers but we pluck them, we say we love our friends but we hurt them.**_

_**Is it really any wonder that some people are still afraid of being told they are loved?**_

_**-CB **_

…

Nate turned brightly to Serena.

"Isn't this great?"

Serena looked worried. "Did you see Blair's face?"

Nate shrugged. "What did she look like?"

The door of Chuck's room slammed shut.

Serena cringed. "Like," Serena stared at the shut door. "She's going to kill him."

…..

_"I once heard someone on a bus say that this guy had gotten under her skin. And it struck me as a remarkable thought - that someone would affect you so deeply they'd always be a part of you."_

_-J.P_

….

Blair stormed into Chuck's room. He took one look at her wild face and raised an eyebrow. _What now?_

She showed him the little box, removing her hand from behind her back.

Chuck turned white. "You have got to be kidding me."

"This?" she cried. "This is why you got shot? Because of me?"

"Calm down Blair-"

"CALM DOWN?"

The officers looked at the gorgeous, crazed brunette a little nervously.

"Er- Mr. Bass, we need you to identify the object- and claim it of it is yours-"

"It's mine," Chuck sighed. "Thank you officers."

They nodded and after another wary glance at Blair, left.

The second the room slipped close, she launched at Chuck.

"_Clarify yourself."_

He stared at her tensely, "Look, it wasn't supposed to happen this way."

"_Happen this way?" _she ricocheted. "You mean you weren't supposed to get _shot,_ protecting a ring?"

"It wasn't just any ring," he retorted, his face stubborn.

"Oh,_ really?_"

He looked at her. "It was for you, Blair."

And she saw the whole disaster in her mind again.

Chuck had let out a sharp breathe. "Blair…Will you…"

The disastrous interruption that had been caused by Humphrey (damn him to the deepest pit of hell). The truth, killing her as it was revealed.

And Chuck Bass was left…left alone with a small box still clutched in his hand.

Blair turned to him, white faced.

"Why?" she cried.

"Why, what?"

"Why do you have to _do this to me? _Why call yourself the dark knight, when your not, not really. You're an effing prince charming Chuck. One of these days you'll be the death of me."

He frowned. "Not quite the reaction I was looking for."

She threw her hands in the air. "You could have died!"

"At least you'd lost me knowing that I loved you, with one solid proof by your side."

"I- I don't believe this," Blair whispered.

Chuck sighed. "Blair, I get it. After what happened, I get it. There is nothing I can do to gain forgiveness. All I can do…is wait. I'll wait Blair. I'll wait forever if you want me to."

"Stop!" she cut in. "Stop talking! Stop making me feel like- like- the most awful-"

"Why do _you _feel so awful?" Chuck asked defensively. "Is the idea of marrying me that horrendous?"

"I'm only nineteen!" she said a little hysterically.

"Well so am I!" he yelled.

"Was this some- some sort of joke to you?" her lips were trembling. "Some- gag to get me back?"

"_Joke?_" Chuck winced slightly and sat up in bed. "God, Blair. Chuck Bass gets a ring and you think it was just for laughs?"

"It can never be anything but forever for me," she snapped.

"I'm well aware of that."

"I only want to do this one time," she warned.

"I_ know_," he said, exasperated. "I have watched every Audrey Hepburn movie, thanks to you."

She shook her head, her dark curls dancing, "How could you _ask_ this from me? Right after sleeping with that bitch?"

He felt his temper rise. "Are we really going to do this again?"

"Were you really planning to base the most important relationship in the world over _lies?_"

"Fine!" he yelled. "Fine, so I was! I lied, I cheated, and I'm an ass. Just tattoo that to the back of my eyelids Blair so I never forget it."

"I'm not even sure marriage is for us!" she cried. "I never expected this!"

"What were you expecting then?" he asked his voice getting dangerously quiet.

"I only meant-"

"_What,_ Blair? Am I only a phase in your life you're meant to outgrow? Didn't you want this to happen eventually? Is there some pretty Prince you're holding out for?"

"It's not that!" she cried, completely flustered. "I just think we both have a lot of growing up to do!"

….

Commotion was erupting from the room.

Nate looked worried.

"Maybe we should-"

Serena grabbed his hand. "Let them sort it out," she insisted. "This is Chuck and Blair, we're talking about. Drama is their thing."

Blair could be heard yelling something.

"I don't know Ser-"

CRASH. Something had clearly smashed in the ward.

Serena went pale. "You're right. We totally should."

Nate grabbed her arm. "Stop. Maybe we should call the doctor or something-"

Serena ripped away her hand. "Don't be a coward! I'm going."

Nate followed her reluctantly. "It's your face."

….

_**(As Chuck waited for Blair, peonies in hand, meaning to tell her he loved her.)**_

_**Blair,**_

_**If you turn me away now, I'll deserve it.**_

_**The thing is…I'm not letting you turn away.**_

_**I made you wait an eternity to hear it. I took an eternity to realize that it does take courage to be happy.**_

_**I was just afraid, you see. Afraid that if something as wonderful as you would be in my life, I'd have end up paying for it.**_

_**I'm not afraid anymore.**_

_**I'm not going to let myself hurt you ever again.**_

_**And if you turn me away- so what?**_

_**The worst you can say is no- fine, I'll deserve the consequence.**_

_**Because it's better to lose your pride in front of someone you truly love, then to truly lose someone you love over worthless pride.**_

_**For the record- I really do love you, Blair.**_

_**You are enough.**_

_**You have to be.**_

_**-CB**_

….

Chuck had thrown the vase straight across the room.

"I can't believe you're yelling at me for _this!_"

"I can't believe you had the guts to sleep with Jenny Humphrey and _minutes_ later-"

Serena rushed to intervene. "What are you guys doing-?"

"Just say yes, dammit!" he roared at her, "How effing hard is it to say yes?"

"I'm thinking!" she yelled back.

He faced her, looking homicidal, "You have to _think_ about it?"

"B, the timing is all wrong," Serena said as patiently as she could, "You should be happy-"

"Happy that my boyfriend planned to propose minutes after he'd slept with Jenny Humphrey?" cried Blair.

"But Blair, Chuck-"

"Yes, I know, he almost died, that's ancient history-"

"Actually he _did_ die-"

"I beg your pardon?" Blair shrieked, freezing in place.

Serena looked flustered. "Well, the doctor had given up after shocking him-"

"_Shocking him?"_ Blair burst out.

Chuck glared at her. "Thanks a lot, sis."

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger, "Serena retorted. "Anyway, B, just calm down, alright? The only reason Chuck is even alive right now is because Mom through a fit until the doctor tried to shock him again-"

"_What?" _Blair and Chuck chorused, incredulously.

Serena chickened out. "You know what? I think you guys can sort this out."

She shut the door behind her.

Blair sank into one of the plastic seats by the bed.

"I think I'll need a minute," she murmured.

"Thank God," Chuck muttered.

…

_Blair and Chuck walked out of the hospital, arm in arm, after visiting Anastasia._

"Despite the false start earlier, this night is perfect," she said brightly.

He raised an eyebrow. "Well. There is one thing… that would make it even better."

Without breaking eye contact with her he pulled his hand out of his coat and gave her smile just suppressing excitement.

Chuck let out a sharp breathe. "I am so sorry." He shook his head, "For the pain I've caused you. I know I can't take it back but I want to make it up to you..." he smiled softly. "Even if it takes me the rest of my life."

She looked at him mystified.

"Blair," he said quietly. "Will you-"

And then the Brooklyn bitch boy came out of nowhere.

"HUMPHERY!" Blair screeched. "Have you lost your mind- what are you doing?"

Dan spared Blair a glance before turning to Chuck. "You. Tell her." He demanded.

"Tell me what- what's going on," Blair said, her eyes not leaving Chuck.

Chuck slowly got to his feet and looked at her, his expression full of dread.

Blair's eyes travelled to Jenny and the first real tears she had ever seen the skank shed.

Blair shook her head.

Chuck was looking at her pleadingly.

"You didn't."

In that instant she truly believed that he would never do that to her.

"Blair-" he was shook his head, his eyes begging her not to do this.

That was when she knew.

"You."

Jenny gave her the look of a startled fawn.

"Get out of here now," Blair's voice was so urgent, it might have been asking Jenny to run before a tornado came. Asking her to leave for her own good.

"And not just off of this hospital," Blair raved. "But this island. GO. And never come back. Because if you ever step foot in Manhattan again, I will know," her voice was so threatening it seemed to chill the air. "And I will destroy you," she added calmly.

Jenny shook her head, sounding exactly like the fourteen year old asking Blair to excuse her innocence. "Blair, I'm sorry-"

Dan spoke over her at once. "No- you have no reason to be sorry," he turned to Blair as though she would comprehend. "This BEGINS and ENDS with Chuck."

And Blair knew he was right.

Serena was there.

"You okay?" she asked- all concern.

Blair gave her friend a tolerant smile through her tears, so she wouldn't worry.

Dan took Serena away leaving Blair and Chuck alone.

For a moment she really had no idea what to say to him.

Chuck's eyes were pools of desperation. "Blair- I-I thought you didn't love me anymore," he explained his voice growing frantic with each word. "I didn't care if I lived or died- Jenny Humphrey was-"

"No-no- DON'T SAY HER NAME," Blair's voice ricocheted off in the silence of the night. "Or anything else to me…ever again."

His expression, when she said those words, actually scared her. He looked like he wanted to kill someone. He looked like he was just restraining himself from violently hauling her towards him; imprisoning her and never letting her go. For one frozen instant, his face was _savage._

And then the moment passed, his eyes softened and pleaded with her.

Blair took a deep breathe.

"This whole night…didn't happen."

_She walked away…leaving Chuck alone…still clutching a miniscule box and a broken heart._

….

Blair wearily glanced at Chuck who was staring at the wall, with a sullen look on his face.

_**You only hate someone when you really, really want to love them. But then find that they have made the terms of that arrangement impossible.**_

_**You grow to hate them because they have stopped you from loving them.**_

She had sworn she would never forgive him for what he had done to her. Never. But he was still here, desperately trying to fix things, going to every impossible length to make her happy. When she was in pain, he was in pain. When she cried, he mourned with her, even if she couldn't see it, she knew it. Whatever in the world she wanted, he would get for her. She had waited her whole life for someone like that. And it had turned out to be the individual with the stance of the devil and the heart of an archangel, the boy she had known her whole life.

_**I have either loved or hated you, there was never any intermediate. Maybe there was but that so was so long ago that I can't remember what it felt like. Either way no matter what, you always mattered.**_

What happened to us, Chuck? We used to be effortless friends. I could complete your sentences. You could read my thoughts. We were close, because we were alike. What happened?

Did love make us?

Or break us?

_**You can only hate that deeply if you have once loved fiercely. You could have once cherished the country you ended up setting afire.**_

_**The day you know you've truly recognized someone is the day you have finished hating him and known loving them.**_

They could never work for long without messing up. She could never look at anyone as she did him.

He would always remain a Basshole. He would always remain the love of her life.

Many a time she hated him. But wasn't hate really a passion that rang alongside love?

She looked at him again. He looked miserable.

She realized suddenly that the box was still clamped in her fist.

The realization both surprised and saddened her.

_**The thing is… The one who loves you will always make you weep. Since you kind of granted them that allowance.**_

A gunshot didn't fix anything. No one could fix this but them, themselves.

A gunshot didn't fix anything. But the idea of losing someone you loved that deeply…losing out on all the joy that was theirs to have if only they wanted it…the thought of losing him when he was he completed her the way no White Knight ever had…made her realize that she had to fix this. Chuck and Blair had always been broken without each other. Together…they were invincible.

_**You could either spend your whole life hating someone for what they have done…or remember that life is short and savor the hours you have left… by learning how to forgive.**_

Blair turned to Chuck.

"We have to talk."

He sighed. "Of course."

"Chuck…there's something you need to understand." Blair whispered, shaking her head. Her mind was a whirl.

Chuck frowned at her irate expression. "Are you angry?"

"No," Blare retorted her voice furious.

_**The thing is…in order to repair something, we need to break another.**_

"Chuck," she took a measured step forward before wavering. "I'm thinking…"

He moaned. "Are we breaking up again?"

"I think…we'll have to."

Chuck went pale. "For how long?"

She looked at him and for a moment wondered how to reply. She looked at him and thought about how much he meant to her. How much she energy she had spent hating this boy and how many years she had spent understanding him. He was her whole life to her. Yes, she loved Chuck and yes she despised him and yes, sometimes she felt such a rage towards him that she felt she could instantly execute him and yes, sometimes she was filled with such tenderness for him that she felt she would eagerly die for him and what the _hell _did you call all of that?

Love?

Or insanity?

He stared at her and wondered why she looked as though she was crying and laughing at the same time.

"I thought we could normal. But that's not true, now is it? Nothing about us is ever going to stay normal."

Chuck frowned. "Look, Blair, you know that I-"

"I _know_ you love me. The question is…how much?"

_**For love, we have to fight.**_

_**For love, we have to conquer.**_

"How…how much?" he repeated.

_**Saying it might hurt her. But it would also set her free.**_

"Do you love me enough to give me what I want?"

_**The thing is…sometimes in order to do the right thing, we have to perform what feels so wrong.**_

_**For love, we have to make sacrifices.**_

_**And for love…sometimes we have to forgo our ideals, our traditions…to do the unconventional. Sometimes we have to take a risk. Sometimes we have to do, what we had sworn we wouldn't be caught dead doing. **_

_**What we hadn't thought we were capable of.**_

_**For no**_ _**two loves are the same. And no one was like them.**_

Blair gazed at him for a moment before freezing a determined expression on her lovely face.

And sinking down before him.

"Chuck Bass," Blair held tightly onto the edge of his bed. "Sometimes I think my whole life has been about discovering you."

He looked into her, his deep cognac brown eyes unfathomable. He looked at her and found her expression unreadable. And suddenly Chuck knew that without Blair he would die. This time he would die. Maybe not immediately, maybe not in a natural way but he wouldn't be able to stop it from happening. How many times could a heart break and still be expected to beat?

She was smiling. She probably enjoyed dropping the axe.

"Chuck Bass," Blair reached out to take his huge hand in her soft ones. "Will you marry me?"

…_._

_From the Diary of Chuck Bass_

_Dear Stupid Diary,_

_I always thought that no one could love anyone as much as I loved Blair._

_That was until I looked into Blair's eyes today._

_She asked me the enchanted question on a hospital floor, her hair still disheveled from sleep, her hand in mine, with me in a hospital gown._

_She asked. _

_Me._

_In which alternate universe did I grow to deserve this?_

_She is no more healed than my wound is. Her spirit is still scratched and raw; in her eyes you can still see pain._

_But she fought against all of that to make it here. To love me like this._

_I don't have anything but a home with Blair._

_I think it's the only home I've had in this life._

_She is there. In my every memory, in my every childhood recollection. In all the ones that are worth remembering anyway._

_All I ever wanted was to be loved. That thirst drove the worst of my deeds._

_People say when you love someone nothing matters. But that's not true, now is it? You know…and I know…that when you love someone everything in the world matters a little bit more._

_How did I get so lucky?_

_I remember there was a time emotions used to scare me. Now the idea of losing these sensations is unbearable._

_I suppose it really comes down to this, doesn't it:_

_If you loved someone, really loved them, would you ever let them go?_

-CB


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: Damn you Chuck Bass. Damn you to Hell.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: I'm very sorry for having taken so long to continue with this. Thanks to everyone who was kind enough to take out the time, read this story and review it. You guys make me always make me smile special.**

…_._

_"I, um, I have this problem. I broke up with my boyfriend, you see. And I'm pretty upset about it, so I wanted to talk to my best friend. [...] The thing is, they're both you."  
— J.P_

…_.._

"Just say yes damn it!" he bellowed. "How effing hard is it to say yes?"

"I'm thinking!" she screeched.

He looked homicidal "You have to _think_ about it?"

….

Nate tried peaking into the ward but the blinds were closed and the nurses had been firmly ordered to stay out.

"What do you think is happening?" Nate whispered as furtively as though he was an undercover agent for the FBI.

Serena was squatted by the hospital door, by his side, trying to listen through the keyhole. "I don't know…" she whispered back.

"Well, at least things aren't breaking anymore. I think they've stopped fighting…." Nate sounded hopeful. "I wonder if he's asked her yet."

Serena puckered her brow. "Or if Blair has killed him yet."

Nate opened the door and said cheerfully, "Hey, just wanted to know if all was okay in here-"

"GET OUT!" two voices cried in unison.

"Oh, okay," Nate squeaked agreeably, hastily shutting the door just in time. Something came crashing at his face and slammed against the door instead.

….

_**The thing is…in order to make something you have to break another.**_

_**And no one was like them.**_

"Chuck Bass… sometimes I think my whole life has been about discovering you."

"Chuck Bass,"

"Will you marry me?"

He looked at the girl he had known since he had known alphabets, known shapes of stars, known the color of happiness. He looked at her, with her crumpled dark curls and humongous chestnut eyes. The eyes he had always been able to read, even when they were unreadable. He looked at her as she stared back, breathless and beautiful and the Blair he loved.

"_Losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand."_

"_Why do _I_ have to be the one to go first? I'm the one who waited on that helipad for you. I went to Tuscany alone!"_

"_I'm the one who asked you to say it first!"_

"_She's scared Chuck. She needs to feel safe again. You know what to say."_

"_I will fight."_

"_Till my last dying breath."_

"_Because any resemblance to you is something that I would hate about my self!"_

_"All I ever did was love you."_

"_Stop trying to act the wife!"_

"_At least we won't be lonely in hell."_

"_This _is_ the end, Chuck."_

"_Will you marry me?"_

How had she collected the courage to ask this? How had she found it in her to forgive him? He saw himself standing there cold and resolute as she wept before him, "Tell me that Jack was lying."

He couldn't tell her. He couldn't treat her like the princess she deserved to be treated as. He couldn't do anything right. She was always the one to fix them when they fell. He was always the one that made them fall.

Her tiny fingers curved over the sterling silver ring, her eyes on him, huge and so familiarly brown that they made his heart ache. Blair had never been like just another girl to him as hard as he'd tried when she was Nate's girlfriend. But she had always meant something special. Always a friend. They had always been friends.

And later they had been two halves of the same. Later they had been so much more.

He could have never deserved something this whole. This perfect.

Not him. Not the devil.

"Blair…."

There were tears in her eyes and she sat there crouched before him.

And suddenly words were spewing out of him on their own accord.

"Blair, after everything I did, after what I am," his throat was on fire as he whispered brokenly, _"You sure?"_

The tears spilt from her eyes, like crystals misplaced. She thought he was rejecting her_ again. _She thought….that he didn't want….

When he _needed _her.

Chuck was horrified. "Blair, I'm not- I didn't-"

God, what was wrong with him?

"Blair-"

He wanted to kick himself. Leave it to him to ruin this moment. Leave it to him, naturally to make her cry.

He gripped her shoulders and forced her to face him. And suddenly Chuck didn't know from where the words were coming but swiftly years worth of silence was exhausted, his anxious voice was hungrily making up for lost time and he spoke because she was the only one who opened his floodgates and made him pour out him soul.

"I remember the first time I ever saw you. Skinny arms and perfectly groomed hair. I remember the first time I knew that I loved you. I was just a kid. But even as I pushed you away, I was never going to let you go."

"I'm really awful aren't I? I always messed up, I always put you on the spot, I always asked too much from you. I don't think in our relationship I could _ever_ give back as much as I made you confer before you even knew what I felt. When…. When I was about to propose I feared the same….that I was asking for too much. I _can't _say yes because I still feel like I'm asking too much from you. I can barely stand to look at myself. Then how can you stand to look at me? I can barely bear myself. So how can you bear me for the rest of our lives? I've loved you since I've known you Blair, _really_ known you….it just took me a while to realize that. I thought that if I could finally say those three words everything would be alright again….but I haven't been any good to you even when I said them, have I?"

"I couldn't say I love you….because I wanted to _test_ you before I said it. I wanted to see how committed _you_ were before I considered committing myself. I wanted to see to which _extent_ I could drag you. I feel sick when I replay it all in my head Blair. I feel sick when I remember how much I made you hurt and grovel as I left you hanging…. But I didn't say it back. You must have given me more than a dozen openings. You must have said it so many times. But I kept leaving you hanging Blair. I kept leaving you broken. I kept breaking your heart."

She stared at him openmouthed as he dug up past wounds.

"Remember when I said those three words?" he whispered, "Remember?"

"Of course," she whispered, staring at him.

"When I said it…. Honestly you should have walked away and left me as broken as I left you- but here's the miraculous thing….You didn't."

"_I want to believe you, but I can't. You've hurt me too many times."_

"_You can believe me this time."_

"_Oh." She stared at him for a beat. "That's _it?"

"I was freaking out Waldorf, I was so sure you were finally going to make me pay but still, I couldn't _say it_. You had to practically _drag_ it out of me. Trust me Blair, I tried, I really tried. But it was like there were coals on my tongue and I couldn't, until you made me. And you didn't even care because the fact that I'd even said it was enough."

"_Why_ was that enough Blair? _Why_ did you forgive me so quickly? _Why_ did you have to love me so much? You should have left me there hanging like I'd always left you hanging. I didn't deserve you're love. I didn't deserve you."

"Why are you going back there?" she whispered, tears still clinging to her lashes.

He met her with tortured eyes. "Because you have to remember the hell you're asking to get into."

He just kept rambling on.

"We were together and Blair, you made me happier than….I had ever been….in my life. Our games were hilarious, you were magic. Being with you was a miracle. And then every time you put a toe out of line I snapped- like I _wanted_ us to fail as a couple. Like I expected us to."

"_What do you want, Blair?"_

"_Forgiveness. I'm so sorry Chuck. I made a mistake. I know there's no excuse but, it was just a kiss."_

"And we kept pulling through. Nothing could break us. But then I….I…."

Chuck struggled with the words that did not exist, struggled with the apology that could not be said because there _was_ no apology; how do _apologize_ for that?

"I ruined us," he told her with stupendous difficulty, "I broke us. I made you go through a hell that was never yours to suffer….it didn't matter what you would have done to help me_ I_ should have been there, _I_ should have stopped you. I should have been there to _stop_ you Blair when you went to Jack. But I just….waited."

Chuck let out a shattered whisper. "Blair, I waited."

"I should have dashed to find you and saved you right? I should have been disgusted that you could even think – even imagine that I'd be willing to bargain you with Jack. I should have hated you for selling yourself like a whore, right? But I wasn't. I wasn't. What the hell does that say about me? What am I? No wonder my mother left me. No wonder my father didn't care. No wonder Blair. It is no damn wonder."

"I knew you. I knew every last inch of you. I had _grown up_ with you. I had been the first guy you ever slept with. The first guy you ever truly dared to trust. I was supposed to be the one to _save_ you Blair. From Nate, from your insecurities, your clashes with Serena, your mother, bulimia everything. I was supposed to be _that_ guy, despite all my faults. I was supposed to be your Prince."

"Because for the love of God- I _knew_ you. I understood you like _no one_ else. You were the girl who secretly kept a fairytale scrap book. You were the girl that waited for the White horse. You were the girl that wanted to marry Lord Marcus because he so nearly fit the part. I had watched you try and fit Nate into that part and watched you inwardly cry when he just wouldn't measure up. _I knew you, damn it!_ Then _how_ could _I_ have done this? How could I have been so far off from the savior I was meant to be? How Blair? _How _could I have been this animal? HOW?"

Chuck roared out the last word, freezing Blair as she eyed him mutely.

"How do you do that to the one that you love?" he whispered.

"I don't know...what….happened….to me. I don't know how I could have said that you went out there on your own because I knowingly sent you. I don't know how I could have stomached the idea of letting that monster of a Jack Bass touch you at all…..let you go to him….unprotected."

"I knew you would go, knowing you. I knew you would do anything for me, knowing you. It wasn't so much the thought of me manipulating you that bothered you was it? What killed you was the realization that I didn't mind if you slept with my Uncle….like I had no protective instinct….not a shred of possessiveness….not a bone of the white knight in my body….

"Because you were the purest person I ever knew Blair, with the highest morals….and I reduced to that. I made you hate yourself. I…."

"Blair, I'm so sorry."

There was nothing else he could say, there was nothing else that filled his voicebox.

"Please. Please….forgive me."

Chuck Bass would plead in front of no one as he did in front of her with his hands engulfing hers, his eyes desperate and wild. Because even if he was no prince. Even if he had been borne of the devil. Even if he was Chuck Bass….

He had destroyed the only thing he had ever loved.

And that was all that mattered.

"I was a wreck without you. I was a savage thinking you'd left me forever. I wasn't myself when I went for Jenny Humphrey. I wasn't _your_ Chuck, the person you had changed me into. I was everything awful in that instant. I was wrong. I was unforgivably wrong. I don't blame you Blair for not being able to swallow the idea of coming here. I don't blame you for only coming because I might have been dying. I don't want us to get together just because of that. Because _honestly?_ That's not reason enough. It will never be reason enough. We can't form the most important relationship of our lives on that. I won't let us. I can't be weak today Blair. Today for us I have to be strong."

"You know I love you. You know how much I wished that could have been anywhere near enough. You know I would die for you. If you loved me Blair I could die laughing. Because that's all I want from life. You."

He gently took the ring out from her numb fingers and slid off the bed to face her, on his knees, his hair a tangled mess, his eyes wet with real honest to God, tears

"So tell me Blair Waldorf, if you're sure. Tell me if you can accept me, scars and all. Tell me if you're doing this because I'm just recovering from a gunshot or because what you feel for me is real. If it's real then we'll work it out, I'll _make_ us work, forever. And if it's not….then I can take it. I've given you enough reasons to hate me. I'm willing to let you go Blair, if that's what saves you from me."

"If it's not real Blair then please just- just let me know."

Why was he doing this? Because he loved her. But he hadn't been able to make her happy.

Even at eighteen he had known this, he had been more mature. So he had to give her the option now.

"I can't say yes, Blair. It's not mine that matters. It's yours. It was always yours. This isn't my decision to make. Only you have this right."

"Blair Waldorf," he took her hand and held it gently.

"Tell me if you're sure."

"Tell me if you're willing to take me."

"Tell me if you'll do me the honor of marrying me."

Blair closed her eye.

Chuck smirking at her from across the Met steps, show offing his signature scarf.

Chuck arrogantly taking her in his arms, as they danced across the ballroom during her debutante ball, their steps matching perfectly and she stared at him with stunned eyes.

Chuck sneaking with her behind Nate's back, throwing her on top of him and leaving her giddy, breathless and then arching forward to kiss her.

Chuck looking at her with oddly illuminated, black pools of eyes as she asked him in astonishment if he…._liked_ her.

Chuck gently poking her in the nose as she stood in front of him in, dripping in a red bikini, demanding to know if there wasn't someone else he could torture.

"_Maybe. But I chose you."_

Chuck kissing her softly and slowly at Bart's wedding.

_In the face of true love_

_You don't just give up_

Chuck looking at her with utter fear in his eyes as she took his hand and told him that she loved him….Chuck telling her with pleading eyes not to say it now….not now….when he couldn't say it back.

Chuck fleeing.

Chuck sitting hunched and destroyed in her bedroom on her bed, lolling his head to look at her drunkenly with dark, hollow, desperate eyes….and she watched him cry before her.

Chuck in her arms as she dashed to him and her arms locked around his neck in an effort to support his falling frame….

Chuck on her bed, lying in her arms cradled like the child she had learnt he secretly was, her eyes observing him silently as she reveled in this moment that he was hers.

Chuck abandoning her. Chuck's note.

_I'm sorry for everything._

_You deserve much better._

_Don't come looking after me._

Chuck saying the same words to her in different ways throughout the next two years of their lives.

Chuck trying to push her away for her own good.

Chuck trying to send her back to Nate….back to her dreams….back to what he'd taken away.

Chuck looking at her hungrily, desperately, brokenly as she held his face in her hands and all but begged him to tell her he loved her.

_Tell me it was for something._

Chuck looking as if it was killing him to do it, removing her hands and walking away.

_Maybe it was._

_But it's not anymore._

Chuck never, never, _never_ being the same again after Bart's death. Never laughing with the same youthful mischief, never smirking with the same boyish charm, Chuck never being that child she'd held in her arms again. Never being the boy that had devilishly straddled her as Nate waited for her downstairs, never smiling the same way again…Chuck dying strangely while still being alive.

Chuck rarely laughing and only when with her, Chuck saying "I would never wish that on anybody. I want you to be_ happy._"

Chuck laughing, really laughing showing her the glimpse of the rascally, playful Chuck she had lost her virginity to as he finally admitted he loved her.

Yes, she hadn't sent him away. Yes, she hadn't made him suffer. How could she have? She had seen him suffer and the sight hadn't been pretty.

Yes, she had accepted him because how could she have _not?_

She was _starved_ for a glimpse of the Chuck before Bart's death had sobered him, the Chuck she had known at seventeen- _that_ Chuck had been back as they laughed and kissed and laughed and kissed some more.

Chuck in her arms. Chuck in her bed every day. She in Chuck's bed every day. Waking up from a bad dream and reaching for Chuck and finding him there. Sniffling into his arms and having him hold her and soothe her and kiss her and make her laugh with an inevitable witticism. Chuck holding her tight as she fell back asleep, no longer afraid as long as he was there.

Chuck eagerly kissing her outside the building of NYU. Chuck insulting snooty fellow UESiders with her. Chuck making out with her in the limo. Chuck loving her.

Chuck standing there breathless- part terrified and part exhilarated, hiding the box in his fist. Chuck on the floor of the hospital asking her to marry him.

Chuck finally admitting to all his wrongs that had ever existed.

Chuck giving her a way out.

Chuck. Chuck. Chuck.

He had never given such an elongated and uncharacteristically sincere speech in her presence in all these nineteen years. But maybe there was enough guilt and remorse and dedication inside him to finally say those things she would have sworn he would never have had the bother to say.

"_I would've done anything for you. All you had to do was ask."_

"_Don't you see? We're exactly alike. Stop trying to fight it."_

"_**I know what you're trying to do Bass."**_

"_Then please, Chuck just let me go."_

"_**You really don't think I'd go up there, do you?"**_

_"Because I love her. But I can't make her happy."_

"_**I **_**know **_**you won't do it."**_

"_You carry people. You carry me."_

"_**Guard my drink."**_

"_That's okay. I have you. That's all I need."_

"_**Who's that girl?"**_

"_You never get enough credit for your wit."_

"_**I have no idea."**_

"_Well, you are my toughest critic."_

_**Blair laughed and waved at him from stage.**_

"_Love me?"_

**_Laughing unbelievingly, he shook his head and enthusiastically toasted to her._**

"_Always."_

"Yes," she whispered, a hundred percent sure.

"Yes to all three."

She closed her eyes.

"I forgive you."

….


End file.
